Snake Ops

[DonK]

Everyone has probably seen this already, but it's pretty good....
--------------------------------------------

The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning System coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive time-on-target barrage with three forward artillery brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and theater commander rules of engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctoral thesis in obscure 5 series field manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct counter-snake ops.

9.Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all U.S. forces from area of operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guide snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on embassy 100 kilometers east of snake due to weather (too-hot-also-too-cold, was-clear-but-too-overcast, too-dry-with-rain, unlimited-ceiling-with-low-cloud-cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable him in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake; snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert areas of operation without power lines or surface-to-air missiles.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark landing zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARC LIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Submariner: Doesn't care because the bad air, lack of exercise, lack of sunlight, endless meals, and radiation will cause an early death.

25. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

[Snake]

Snakes of the world unite!

Snake
82nd Airborne

[Amarillo]

bump (for comparison)

[Ranger1]

You may have won the boobie prize for oldest resurrected thread.

And now moved to the Lounge as it has nothing specifically to do with the 75th Ranger Regiment and was before my time as a Mod.

[Rock1503]

You may have won the boobie prize for oldest resurrected thread.

Still no good without pictures.:smile:









(and don't bring on the droopy, rolled up, dried out, 4 foot long raisins from National Geographic and call it apropos)

[Odin's Underling]

Everyone has probably seen this already, but it's pretty good....
--------------------------------------------







17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
I fail to see anything that is "pretty good" with this due to it actually having taking place were American lives were lost in 1994.

[DrlSgt]

26. US Security Contractor-Meets snake, hires him to be a local guide, and driver, fully corrupts snake's mindset and haze snake at a local party with enormous amount of beer. Wakes up next morning find snake hooked up with a fat girl at the party. Ordered 511 clothing for snake to make him look like one of the guys.

[JJ_BPK]

Spooky,,

Just read this updated version for Hi-Speed BD Operators..

Enjoy.. :biggrin:


The Updated Snake Model

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)- updated version

1. Infantry: GPS is down, therefore doesn't find the snake AO as they don't do training anymore on how to use a lensatic compass. Re-adjusts black beret in frustration, then feels good about self because, as the beret denotes, they have undergone "transformation".

2. Airborne: Comes into theater on an airplane, but doesn't jump in. Is pretty much indistinguishable from Infantry, but decides to differentiate themselves by ruthlessly enforcing the reflective belt rule, the no sex rule, the no alcohol rule, and shuts down salsa night. Only about 21% of their force ever see a snake while they are in the AO, and that just spooks them. Leadership decide snake ops are more dangerous than jumping and require a general officer to approve operations. Soldiers spend their time filming themselves dancing and uploading their vids to YouTube.

3. Armor: Runs over fake snakes that the Airborne have put on the roads to confuse the tread heads. Giggles, runs over the fake snakes again. Puts entire unit in for the Combat Action Badge (CAB).

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. (some things never change...)

5. Ranger: Fast-ropes onto objective where snakes are thought to be. Secures outer area for special mission unit (SMU) to kill/capture snakes. SMU kills all snakes on objective, to include women and children snakes and then leaves. Rangers exfil 24 hours later. All get CIB. Go back to base and walk around like they are SMU members, since they no longer cut their hair short. Get yelled at by Airborne Sergeant Major for not saluting and for having hands in pockets when it is 0 degrees outside. Now they know how SF feel.

6. Field Artillery: Deployed into theater like infantry. Can't figure out which end the bullet comes from on their rifle. Complains that they can't fire their cannons because they didn't bring them. Are made the bitches of the infantry. Spend a lot of time with anyone who will listen- explaining the physics of indirect fire. Get frustrated with infantry knuckle-dragging attitude. Everyone gets a CAB.

7. Special Forces: Have been in theater for years after overthrowing bad snake regime, building rapport and winning snakes' hearts and minds and training them to kill other snakes. Watches as conventional forces arrive, build huge bases and FOBs, inject more generals than the Pentagon has, more colonels than Michael Jackson had surgeries, and more rules and regulations than a communist regime. Is forced to shave beards and wear reflective belts and can't shoot bad guys unless the bad guys shoot at them while yelling that they hate Americans and promising Global Jihad. Lose more of their soldiers to conventional force negligent discharges than enemy fire. Spend more time saluting conventional officers than planning anti-snake missions.

8. Special Forces NCO: Tapes hand to patrol cap because his hand is usually in salute position on crowded and rank-heavy FOBs. Gets yelled at by Conventional Sergeant Major. Tries to go on anti-snake mission to get away from FOB. Is turned down by risk assessment.

9. Conventional Sergeant Major: Walks around huge FOBs inspecting for important things like if people are saluting and if safety belts are on the right shoulder. Encourages commanders to pass new rules that require all soldiers to low-crawl while on FOBs as walking is deemed too dangerous according to recently-updated risk assessments. Labels all activities done in Snake AO as "highly dangerous" and thus requiring General Officer approval prior to waking up every morning.

10. Combat Engineer: Studies COIN. Realizes, even though our doctrine says not to hide on FOBs, they will be busy building FOBs. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how building more FOBs will win the war. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly build FOBs.

11. Navy SEAL: Is confused once they realize that SOCOM deployed them for political reasons to a landlocked country. Can't wrap mind around the fact they don't have a submarine to exfil to. Spends time on FOBs trying to impress the ladies by inviting them to watch Charlie Sheen movies. Hollywood still makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

12. Navy: Deploys into theater and fills jobs the infantry wouldn't even take. Complains about the infantry training they received prior to deploying- saying they didn't sign up for hardship like that. Complains that they shouldn't be participating in operations in a landlocked country. Still makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection, even though they didn't see any snakes.

13. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. Leadership declare that they should be allowed to take over operations for the entire snake AO, because "inside every snake is a Marine, waiting to get out". Snakes begin to shave scales in a high and tight manner and instead of hissing make noises that sound curiously like "hoo-rah".

14. Marine Recon: Provides the foundation for a new, special, elite, Special-Ops Marine unit, while not admitting that regular Marines are not special. Deploys into theater and kills snakes just like regular Marines. Gets thrown out of country. Comes back with a whole battalion and sits everyone on FOBs. Wishes they were back in the "regular" Marines again.

15. Combat Controllers: Nothing sexy due to massive limits on air ops as our snake doctrine recommends we concentrate on the "will of the snakes".

16. Para-Rescue Jumper: See #15.

17. Supply: Pays snakes to transport supplies, as it violates risk assessments to travel where snakes live. Snakes take money and buy bombs to blow-up FOBs. Bombs blow-up supplies, which causes them to pay more money to snakes to transport more supplies, and so on- in a circle it goes. All loggies deployed to snake AO get CABs.

18. Transport pilot: Is too busy flying VIPs and general officers around to transport anything. Forwards all supply requests to supply. Even more money to snakes to transport supplies. Since more supplies are required in theater, more generals are required to approve the requests. More generals in theater mean more supply requests forwarded to supply, and so on- in a circle it goes. All transport pilots get General Officer coins.

19. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies SF and good snakes as bad snakes and requests clearance to engage. Rare clearance is given and SF frantically calls pilot off. Pilot later blames Army lack of understanding of Air Force in 70 page staff college paper that gets him promoted to general and an achievement ribbon. Goes on to command air cell that clears other F-15s to fire on other good snakes and SF. One of his pilots also writes a staff college paper that blames the Army... and so on...

20. F-16 pilot: Finds snake village, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on a snake wedding ceremony 500 KM East of snake village due to weather. Claims that a strategic bombing campaign will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. Writes paper in staff college... you know the story...

21. AH-64 Apache pilot: More than likely the majority of these jokers are working as staff officers in some 30-general officer headquarters on some massive base that used to be in a lovely location- but since has been plowed of all trees and ripped of all grass and is now a dusty, rock-filled, tent-covered, and connex-heavy base that DOES have a Green Bean coffee place. Gets pissed off because all the NATO guys can drink, but the former pilots have to meet in secret so that they don't end their careers by having less alcohol than the average 12 year old in Germany on a Sunday. Gets a NATO medal and a Meritorious Service Medal (MSM) for never building a power point slide in 7 months that didn't need corrections by an O-6 U.S. Colonel. Doesn't really believe there are any snakes in the AO.

22. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: see #18.

23. B-52 pilot: All B-52s are deadlined due to lack of spare parts. See #21.

24. Missile crew: Missiles? Nothing mentioned about missiles in COIN manual. See artillery.

25. Intelligence officer: Spends entire deployment in air-conditioned, windowless, staff office in large, meaningless FOB. Reads reports from the field and does analysis on the reports that all in the field who actually interact with snakes disagree with. Attempts to justify job by disagreeing with leaders in the field in front of their boss during weekly Video Teleconferences (VTCs). Puts all officers in for MSMs if they are still breathing oxygen at the end of their tour.

26. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Answers the phone with "No, now what's the question?" Doesn't believe forces are allowed to do anything in theater, much less interact with snakes. Works feverishly on prosecuting infantry who have interacted with snakes who are now dead for some reason. Puts all JAG soldiers in for Bronze Stars.

27. NATO soldiers: Import tons of alcohol along with national caveats that make it impossible for them to interact with snakes unless they are training good snakes on a highly-protected base. When one of their soldiers gets killed while driving intoxicated, country pulls their forces out of snake AO. Snakes miss the alcohol, although snakes aren't known to drink alcohol. U.S. females miss them due to their exotic accents and their forward demeanor (unbounded as it is by sexual harassment paranoia and sexual sensitivity training). They all get NATO medals and the lowest U.S. award possible.

28. Contractors: Fought snakes in Vietnam when they were commie snakes. Work a 9 to 5 job and get Fridays off. Follow the contract closer than a union follows a break schedule. Doesn't build any capability in the snakes worth mentioning, but manages to make a lot of money. Loses contract- not due to a failure to deliver- but because another contractor (who is worse) bids lower. Protests the loss of the contract, which sets back anti-bad-snake operations at least a year. Loses contract in the end, but gains another contract as U.S. forces draw-down and requirements stay the same. All contractors get bonuses and 401-k growth due to their companies being the only companies on Wall Street making money that didn't get a bailout.

29. General officers: Sign off on new guidance once in theater that encourages forces to engage with snakes, live among them, build rapport, and coordinate with civilians. Then signs off on policy that labels engaging with snakes, living among them, building rapport, and coordinating with civilians as high risk and requiring a general officer to sign off on prior to every instance of conducting said activities. Berates subordinates for not engaging with snakes, living among them, building rapport, and coordinating with civilians. Gets promoted no matter what happens while they are here.

[JDAM]

Spooky,,

Just read this updated version for Hi-Speed BD Operators..

Enjoy.. :biggrin:

Holy shit that was hilarious!

[Massgrunt]

26. US Security Contractor-Meets snake, hires him to be a local guide, and driver, fully corrupts snake's mindset and haze snake at a local party with enormous amount of beer. Wakes up next morning find snake hooked up with a fat girl at the party. Ordered 511 clothing for snake to make him look like one of the guys.

Spends next two years ordering shit for snakes on Amazon.com and filling PX orders for Mrs. Snake. Rues the day snakes got the internet and satellite tv. Snake gets shitty tattoos and starts listening to rap.

[DrlSgt]

:biggrin:

Spends next two years ordering shit for snakes on Amazon.com and filling PX orders for Mrs. Snake. Rues the day snakes got the internet and satellite tv. Snake gets shitty tattoos and starts listening to rap.

Forgot to add.." Now Snake and Mrs Snake wants you to sponsor them for the visa to the US!":eek:

Spot on..spot...on...thats just too funny!

[Massgrunt]

:biggrin:



Forgot to add.." Now Snake and Mrs Snake wants you to sponsor them for the visa to the US!":eek:

Spot on..spot...on...thats just too funny!

I thought of that after walking away from my computer.

Snake now driving a monster truck in Texas and bitching about illegals.

[ARCH-E]

LOL the updated snake doctrine and follow-up from the fellas is priceless!

[ET1/ss nuke]

24. Submariner: Doesn't care because the bad air, lack of exercise, lack of sunlight, endless meals, and radiation will cause an early death.

You're right, but somehow they never get around to mentioning that part when they ask you if you want to volunteer for sub duty and get all those dozens of extra zeroes in your paycheck.

[mikloski]

"6. Field Artillery: Deployed into theater like infantry. Can't figure out which end the bullet comes from on their rifle. Complains that they can't fire their cannons because they didn't bring them. Are made the bitches of the infantry. Spend a lot of time with anyone who will listen- explaining the physics of indirect fire. Get frustrated with infantry knuckle-dragging attitude. Everyone gets a CAB."


OMFG. 100% on target. I lived this for a year while I was attached to a FA Battery. I almost laughed to tears when I read this. I needed that today. Good stuff.

[yojinbukai]

"6. Field Artillery: Deployed into theater like infantry. Can't figure out which end the bullet comes from on their rifle. Complains that they can't fire their cannons because they didn't bring them. Are made the bitches of the infantry. Spend a lot of time with anyone who will listen- explaining the physics of indirect fire. Get frustrated with infantry knuckle-dragging attitude. Everyone gets a CAB."


OMFG. 100% on target. I lived this for a year while I was attached to a FA Battery. I almost laughed to tears when I read this. I needed that today. Good stuff.


I watched an FA E-5 loading his M2 with 7.62mm linked. Well, at least he was trying to do that. You can't make that shit up.

[mikloski]

Sorry, I hate to do it, but I can one up you.

The best part is that if I named names, I'm sure some of the Rangers on this site would recognize him: This individual was busted for being a PX Ranger with a fake DD214 to match.

We had a gunner who shot himself with his M4. He had a negligent discharge in the turret. The round bounced around 3 or 4 times and hit him in the front of his vest. This happened at the clearing barrels at Camp Phoenix in Kabul, and he was in the vehicle behind me.

Needless to say, he got kicked off of our team after this incident.

[RGR.Montcalm]

It's in the Humor Section also

http://www.socnet.com/showthread.php?t=97101

[Brian1/75]

Wow, the new one is amazingly accurate.

[Matchanu]

Wow, still gay even after being redone.

[btq96r]

1. Infantry: GPS is down, therefore doesn't find the snake AO as they don't do training anymore on how to use a lensatic compass...

When I teach Soldiers at Camp Buehring how the system I work for can plot in grid, magnetic or true north I jokingly offer $20 for anyone that can find out the declination for the area they are heading to. Most of the senior NCO's and field grades chuckle, but the amount of blank stares I get is astonishing.

6. Field Artillery: ...Spend a lot of time with anyone who will listen- explaining the physics of indirect fire.

We better hope enough artilleryman remember those physics of indirect fire when big Army has to relearn its skill sets after COIN is said and done.

[PV74RU78]

30. Civil Affairs: Wireless internet connection is down, so cannot do a Google search to find out if any snake info is on SOCNET. Contracts with local firm to do the work, then plans TDY trip to corporate HQ to discuss results. Per Diem Maximus !!

[skeeter8654]

Wow, still gay even after being redone.

Yep.