question about pay, allowances and the ex-wife

[1371SGT]

I do not think this has been addressed previously, so here goes.

For a schmuck like me who is paying the ex- a chunk of my wages, what exactly can and can't she (and her lawyer) go after?

Pretty much I'm trying to figure out if post differential pay, danger pay and per diem is fair game for her when it comes time to calculate the percentage of my wages she can lay claim to for child support and alimony.

I'm figuring that at the very least she can't touch my per diem allowance since it is meant for my subsistance. Would post-diff and danger pay be separate and off-limits from my "base pay" (ie- daily rate) as a contractor overseas?

If anyone can point me in the right direction it would be much appreciated. I'm trying to get my lawyer spun up on this issue so I can minimize how badly I get raked over the coals by the ex- and her money grubbing lawyer.

[ussfpa]

Dude, let me put it to you this way.

If you opened up a lemonade stand to supplement your income, then it can be counted towards your alimony and child support and recalculated as often as you have a "significant increase in your pay". Additionally, if you LOSE that money, you will be hard pressed to get a reduction once that money is calculated in.

Perdiem, danger pay, hostile fire pay, subsistance allowance, even your 2 bucks a day for water...if it is legal tender-it is prime pickings for an attorney.

Been here, did this-and unitl she was thoroughly embarrassed in court in front of her family for being exposed for what she really was...I was in court every 90days getting my child support recalculated due to fluctuations in my pay. I kid you not.

Good luck-

PA

[ex]

Sorry to butt into a forum I know nothing about, but I do know about the divorce dance, sorry to say.

Of course everyone's circumstances are different, but at the end of the day, this is a woman that you loved very much at one point and more importantly, she's the mother of your children. The only people that win in these combative divorces are the attorneys. If it’s at all possible, my advice would be to try and communicate with her directly. Be the nice, reasonable guy. Even if it costs you a little bit more every month, it’ll be worth it to keep a good relationship with her because of the kids. If you can leave the hate and discontent out of the negotiations, everyone wins.
Just my .02. Best of luck.

[tryxter]

Sorry to butt into a forum I know nothing about, but I do know about the divorce dance, sorry to say.

Of course everyone's circumstances are different, but at the end of the day, this is a woman that you loved very much at one point and more importantly, she's the mother of your children. The only people that win in these combative divorces are the attorneys. If it’s at all possible, my advice would be to try and communicate with her directly. Be the nice, reasonable guy. Even if it costs you a little bit more every month, it’ll be worth it to keep a good relationship with her because of the kids. If you can leave the hate and discontent out of the negotiations, everyone wins.
Just my .02. Best of luck.

BWAAAHAAAAAHAHAHA!

1371SGT

Take care of your kids but deal with your wife, you have a life too.

[mdb23]

Of course everyone's circumstances are different, but at the end of the day, this is a woman that you loved very much at one point and more importantly, she's the mother of your children. The only people that win in these combative divorces are the attorneys. If it’s at all possible, my advice would be to try and communicate with her directly. Be the nice, reasonable guy. Even if it costs you a little bit more every month, it’ll be worth it to keep a good relationship with her because of the kids. If you can leave the hate and discontent out of the negotiations, everyone wins.
Just my .02. Best of luck.

Spoken like a true ex wife.....:D

[Wench]

It works with ex's like ex :). Unfortunately, there are ex's (male and female) who are more interested in using money as a way to control the other half of the equation with no thought to the children's best interests.

Regarding the money, it's all fair game!! Bid low, you can always pay more when able :D.

[ex]

Spoken like a true ex wife.....:D
Not true in my case! :p
I refused alimony and I took less child support than I was 'entitled' to. I didn't think it was fair to rake him over the coals. I wanted to try and keep a good relationship.

Wench, I agree, some people just want to 'win' at any cost and use money to control and manipulate. But there are never any winners!

[Massgrunt]

Speak for yourself, I got a dog when my parents divorced.

[ussfpa]

Please do NOT adhere to ex's advice (no offense)-
Not bringing up any significant details...But I took the high road and it cost me everything...not to mention the $90K in fees, costs, evaluations etc. The system is set up against Fathers. Ex-you seem to be an exception when it comes to feeling what is "fair".

If the high road is to be traveled, it has to be done hand in hand by both folks with trust.

If this were truely possible, there probably wouldn't be a divorce in the first place.

PA

[Frog]

I see you are in California. Divorce there is a little easier there than in other states believe it or not. Only 2 reasons to get divorced: Insanity and irreconcilable differences. The bad news it's all 50/50. Married over 10 years? Retirement is toast. Look at your last year's income taxes - gross income and then your LES. That's what "they" will look at. Do some research - I bought a book, you can google.

"Women are evil, they will bring you down"
Team no box

[mdb23]

Please do NOT adhere to ex's advice (no offense)-


Agreed. Never been divorced, but every damned cop I work with is on his second or third marriage (occupational hazard).

The touchy feely high road may be out there, but I would still cover my ass....

[ex]

No offense taken! :)
I'm not saying that you shouldn't cover your ass; I'm just saying that less hostility and anger while you're negotiating might be better in the long run. If there weren't kids involved, I wouldn't be saying anything at all. Again, good luck!

[Wifey]

Yep, CA is a 50/50 state, and one of the two must be declared:

No-Fault: Irreconcilable differences which have caused the irremediable breakdown of the marriage. [Annotated California Code; Section 2310].

General: Incurable insanity. [Annotated California Code; Section 2310]. --> BTW what is "incurable insanity...?"

This is CA's Family Code, including info. re: property, custody rights, spousal support, etc. (http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/calawquery?codesection=fam&codebody=&hits=20)

You may want to check out where one would file, if that hasn't actually been done yet. In a divorce where one person is in the military, there may be up to three separate jurisdictions where one can file for divorce: the legal residence of the military member; the legal residence of the spouse; and the state that the servicemember is stationed in.

Best of luck to you.

[Type-82]

Well, if your working as a contractor, get paid thru a corp, get your contract thru a corp, get paid low, shield your income. Never been divorced, however I know pleanty of horror stories. Best to cya and be ready to protect yourself or you'll be living in poverty while she lives with and or is married to another man with your children and all of your money.

[BKK]

this is a woman that you loved very much at one point

Funny that being the Man that "She loved at one point" does not over rule greed...lol

[ex]

Funny that being the Man that "She loved at one point" does not over rule greed...lol
You can paint all women with the same brush if you want, but not every woman is greedy! :)

[tryxter]

General: Incurable insanity. [Annotated California Code; Section 2310]. --> BTW what is "incurable insanity...?"

Marriage.

[Just Another Guy]

An Ex- didn't claim the chunk of your retirement.

Remarries then divorces a second time.

Can she come back and get the retirement split from the first marriage?

[retiredsrt]

An Ex- didn't claim the chunk of your retirement.

Remarries then divorces a second time.

Can she come back and get the retirement split from the first marriage?

Yeah....in Wyoming anything can be reconsidered.....Its why I have my C Corp for pay.....

[Silverbullet]

A question was asked that had nothing to do with emotions or who you used to love.

If you want to talk about divorce impact on the children or how to let the hate go, take it to the lounge.

If you have advice for the orignal poster or anyone else tryng to keep money out of an ex's hands, while working internationally, feel free to post here.

[Phil306]

Living in California and just finishing going through a divorce, let me toss another one out there for you to consider:

In California a long term marriage is anything considered over 10 yrs. After 10 yrs, you will pay spousal support, for the rest of her life, unless she remarries. Up to 10 yrs, is half the life of the marriage.

Here is the kicker. You AND her can "reserve" spousal support. That is, if she decides not to take it, for what ever reason, or even if she only gets it for 6 yrs, she can come back, AT ANYTIME in the future, and get more money. That is correct. As USSPA said: If your finances change significantly, in the future, she can come after you again; 10, 15, 20 years down the road.

My best suggestion to you: Get a good, competent attorney. It will be worth every damn penny. Believe me. I lucked out, I didn't have to pay spousal support and I didn't lose a dime of my retirement. I also got spousal support terminated for the future. However, my ex-wife did alot of bullshit, which made her feel "guilty." That was the only way I got it.

Get an attorney...

[CA SGT]

I have to respectfully disagree with EX. When a marriage ends, it ALWAYS comes down to money. Unfortunately, it also involves the kids as well, in that each party wants more custody time for more support/money received or paid in support. In California, its probably the worst. Courts do not look at anything except the "ditto master".....you make X amount, she makes X amount, # kids times days of custody, equals X. Then factor in spousal support, and you find yourself eating cup a soups in a rented basement of a house, with a army surplus spoon (yeah, been there).

Having been through 2 divorces, I can tell you from experience that you have to get an attorney early. Even if you go further in debt doing so, it will save you from more debt later on after she hoses you. True story about California....My EX cheated, got pregnant by the doctor (she's a nurse), then went after half my retirement, while I was paying for her prenatal care, for the doctors kid. By Calif. law, I could not take her off my insurance. Bottom line is, once you positively decide to do it, get an attorney, be pre-emptive and go for the jugular. Fight from the offense not defense. BTDT

[Phil306]

When I went through my divorce, my best friend told me:

"Phil. It ALL comes down to a business transaction." And damn, was that so ture. The problem with that, is the emotions which are involved. Its difficult for a real person, with real emotions, to go for the "jugular." Believe me, I agree with you, however, it is just difficult.

[CA SGT]

Phil, you are right....It sounds easy until emotions are in play. Like Stabler (the snake) of Raiders fame said of play calling...."easy to call, hard to run." My friends all saw it coming and told me so. I felt it in my gut, and went against those feelings, even though these same gut feelings were what kept me alive every day. It was the very last time I ever went/will go against my gut again.

[1371SGT]

Sorry to butt into a forum I know nothing about, but I do know about the divorce dance, sorry to say.

Of course everyone's circumstances are different, but at the end of the day, this is a woman that you loved very much at one point and more importantly, she's the mother of your children. The only people that win in these combative divorces are the attorneys. If it’s at all possible, my advice would be to try and communicate with her directly. Be the nice, reasonable guy. Even if it costs you a little bit more every month, it’ll be worth it to keep a good relationship with her because of the kids. If you can leave the hate and discontent out of the negotiations, everyone wins.
Just my .02. Best of luck.

Ex, I appreciate your thoughts but they aren't helping me any.

I have to take care of myself first, otherwise I end up living in my car eating ramen noodle for the next 14yrs while my bank account gets raped by the ex-wife and her lawyer.

Taking the high-road is all fine and dandy but not at the expense of MY life.






To everyone who contributed positive info, many thanks.

SilverBullet, thanks for trying to get this back in line with the original post.

[landshark]

Haven't BTDT with a divorce but most of my friends have. If you are an hourly employee some states only allow the other to go after 40 hours per week. My buddy came over to the sandbox to work as a firefighter and was paid hourly. Obviously he makes the majority of his money in overtime. She was only able to touch 40 hours of it. He's a good dad, just wanted to be able to spend the money on his kids the way he saw fit. He also got the judge to limit the amount of money she could go after him for for extracurricular activities, which were always seemed to be scheduled for the days he had the kids. Fortunately the judge had some common sense and started to see the pattern she was developing and she lost credibility quick.