grrlcop74
6 November 2000, 23:14
Thought those of you who haven't seen this may enjoy it....
Boy, I don't envy cops. A cop is a person who leaves every day for work and doesn't know if they'll ever make it home alive. In other words, they're just like any other person trying to earn a living.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the glamorous and exciting image of cops we have from TV shows and movies gives you as accurate a picture of reality as watching a Bill Clinton press conference dubbed in Swahili while you're high on amyl nitrate poppers. Or, for that matter, a Clinton press conference under any circumstances.
Now, before I criticize how other people do their jobs, I always ask myself, "Could I do it?" And the answer here is no, because the job of a cop can be more foul than George Kennedy without his Breath Assure. Hey, I just don't have the temperament. The first time some Chiclet-brain I pulled over for a traffic ticket gave me that "Hey, I pay your salary," rap, I'd be too tempted to flip him a quarter and say, "Here's a refund, fuckwad," and then I'd drag his ass out of the car and start beating on him like he was a Hitler pinata at a Mossad picnic.
Yeah, if I were a cop, I'd go through stun guns like Bing Crosby after noticing his kids weren't playing with their new toys on Christmas morning.
Cops day to day have to deal with more violence than Tina Turner did when Ike lost the Grammy. And they have to deal with the same violent criminals over and over again. The greased pneumatic tube that we laughingly refer to as our legal system has criminals back on the streets before the arresting officer can finish the K2-sized mound of paperwork on their original arrest.
It's frustrating for cops. It's like when I make jokes about Newt Gingrich being a big fat asshole. Just when I think I'm done with him, he becomes an even bigger, fatter ass crater and I have to do even more jokes about him.
By the way, did you know that cops in England don't even carry guns? All they have are those wooden sticks. And do you know how difficult it is to toss a bullet up in the air and then use a stick to smack it into a criminal?
Pretty difficult.
But, back to the good old U.S. of AK-47. And how about a mention for the most unheralded cop of all--the police dog. Super group of selfless little pooches, there. Working long hours all day looking for drugs and not even getting a chance to sniff a nice butt, and when they go home to the doghouse, they're under too much stress and strain to even be able to eat their kibbles or mount their bitch. Thank you, dog cop.
This is not to say there aren't some bad two-legged cops out there. For instance, when the police kick open the door and catch you and your wife fixing the camshaft in the methamphetamine lab, why do they always scream, "Freeze motherfuckers!" Hey, a simple "freeze" will do guttermouth. My wife is in the room and the kids are sleeping in the back. Show a little respect for the family unit, please.
But these are quibbles. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my allegiances lie with the men and women in blue. The rights of the criminal should never supersede the rights of good, decent, hardworking people. As far as I'm concerned, the rights of the criminal begin and end the moment a criminal is caught in the act.
Sometimes I yearn for the simpler days, when cops didn't have to be so politically correct and touchy-feely and compassionate. Like Kojack. He was just a crazy, bald son of a bitch who didn't give a shit. Like when this couple from the Midwest whose daughter moves to New York and becomes a prostitute and got murdered, and they're in the station house sobbing and Kojack walks in and says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was Mom's apple pie, the Fourth of July...SHE WAS A HOOKER!" Telly, we hardly knew ye.
Now we've gone to the other end of the spectrum, where the police have to drive alongside of the armed fugitive, placing themselves, and the innocent civilians in harm's way until PCP boy runs out of psycho gas. It's true.
One phenomenon currently taking place in the city is the fully televised high-speed prime-time chase that all the local television stations insist on carrying in its entirety. Hey Airwolf, blow the fucking tires out and put Frasier back on, okay?
Sure, I think cops can be brutal sometimes, because it is a brutal world we live and make them work in. But while we're sleeping in our homes, they're out on the dirty boulevard trying to make it safe for us in the morning.
And for all of you ACLU members without A-C-L-U-E: when you hear a noise outside your house in the middle of the night and you fear for your life and call 911, just be glad it's cops who show up at your front door and not Alan Dershowitz, because, believe me, if it was Dershowitz, you'd end up more fucked than a tour group in Amsterdam led by Wilt Chamberlain on Spanish Fly.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
And this is from little ol' me: Can I get a hell yeah??!!
Kristen Brown
"Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have."
Boy, I don't envy cops. A cop is a person who leaves every day for work and doesn't know if they'll ever make it home alive. In other words, they're just like any other person trying to earn a living.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the glamorous and exciting image of cops we have from TV shows and movies gives you as accurate a picture of reality as watching a Bill Clinton press conference dubbed in Swahili while you're high on amyl nitrate poppers. Or, for that matter, a Clinton press conference under any circumstances.
Now, before I criticize how other people do their jobs, I always ask myself, "Could I do it?" And the answer here is no, because the job of a cop can be more foul than George Kennedy without his Breath Assure. Hey, I just don't have the temperament. The first time some Chiclet-brain I pulled over for a traffic ticket gave me that "Hey, I pay your salary," rap, I'd be too tempted to flip him a quarter and say, "Here's a refund, fuckwad," and then I'd drag his ass out of the car and start beating on him like he was a Hitler pinata at a Mossad picnic.
Yeah, if I were a cop, I'd go through stun guns like Bing Crosby after noticing his kids weren't playing with their new toys on Christmas morning.
Cops day to day have to deal with more violence than Tina Turner did when Ike lost the Grammy. And they have to deal with the same violent criminals over and over again. The greased pneumatic tube that we laughingly refer to as our legal system has criminals back on the streets before the arresting officer can finish the K2-sized mound of paperwork on their original arrest.
It's frustrating for cops. It's like when I make jokes about Newt Gingrich being a big fat asshole. Just when I think I'm done with him, he becomes an even bigger, fatter ass crater and I have to do even more jokes about him.
By the way, did you know that cops in England don't even carry guns? All they have are those wooden sticks. And do you know how difficult it is to toss a bullet up in the air and then use a stick to smack it into a criminal?
Pretty difficult.
But, back to the good old U.S. of AK-47. And how about a mention for the most unheralded cop of all--the police dog. Super group of selfless little pooches, there. Working long hours all day looking for drugs and not even getting a chance to sniff a nice butt, and when they go home to the doghouse, they're under too much stress and strain to even be able to eat their kibbles or mount their bitch. Thank you, dog cop.
This is not to say there aren't some bad two-legged cops out there. For instance, when the police kick open the door and catch you and your wife fixing the camshaft in the methamphetamine lab, why do they always scream, "Freeze motherfuckers!" Hey, a simple "freeze" will do guttermouth. My wife is in the room and the kids are sleeping in the back. Show a little respect for the family unit, please.
But these are quibbles. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my allegiances lie with the men and women in blue. The rights of the criminal should never supersede the rights of good, decent, hardworking people. As far as I'm concerned, the rights of the criminal begin and end the moment a criminal is caught in the act.
Sometimes I yearn for the simpler days, when cops didn't have to be so politically correct and touchy-feely and compassionate. Like Kojack. He was just a crazy, bald son of a bitch who didn't give a shit. Like when this couple from the Midwest whose daughter moves to New York and becomes a prostitute and got murdered, and they're in the station house sobbing and Kojack walks in and says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was Mom's apple pie, the Fourth of July...SHE WAS A HOOKER!" Telly, we hardly knew ye.
Now we've gone to the other end of the spectrum, where the police have to drive alongside of the armed fugitive, placing themselves, and the innocent civilians in harm's way until PCP boy runs out of psycho gas. It's true.
One phenomenon currently taking place in the city is the fully televised high-speed prime-time chase that all the local television stations insist on carrying in its entirety. Hey Airwolf, blow the fucking tires out and put Frasier back on, okay?
Sure, I think cops can be brutal sometimes, because it is a brutal world we live and make them work in. But while we're sleeping in our homes, they're out on the dirty boulevard trying to make it safe for us in the morning.
And for all of you ACLU members without A-C-L-U-E: when you hear a noise outside your house in the middle of the night and you fear for your life and call 911, just be glad it's cops who show up at your front door and not Alan Dershowitz, because, believe me, if it was Dershowitz, you'd end up more fucked than a tour group in Amsterdam led by Wilt Chamberlain on Spanish Fly.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
And this is from little ol' me: Can I get a hell yeah??!!
Kristen Brown
"Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have."