This should be entertaining

[mdb23]

Let's see who has the most entertaining LE related story. I, being the self appointed and all powerful originator of the string, will be judging based upon the "I can't believe that really happened" factor, but bonus points will be assigned for the following:

1. vulgarity
2. nudity
3. violence.
4. sex (must be work related)
5. story telling capability

The winner will be awarded, well, you won't receive jack. However, we are all in LE, so we should be accustomed to receiving nothing for our efforts!

mdb23

P.S. Keep the stories hypothetical in nature--no need for anyone to get sued over this.

[ski]

Oh boy...(rubbing my hands together in anticipation)!

Who is going to serve first?

Ski

[grrlcop74]

I have several, but I'll start off with something rather mild. One evening while on duty with the airport popo, the tower called to report a car parked in a restricted area. This area was well known for parkers of all ages, so the fight was on as to who would take the call and get a little nudie action in for the evening. Myself and good ol' CPL Riva, the deparment's amateur porn connossieur, were the first out the door. We pulled in behind the said vehicle and lit it up. A male was sitting in the driver's seat and that was all that could be seen. As we approached the vehicle a female's head could be observed face down in the lap of the male, in an apparent attempt to suckstart an 88 Camaro with injector problems. As Cpl. Riva tapped on the car door just below the open window, the female sat straight up at the driver's moment of glory. He proceeded to spray the steering column and dash with his manly essence. I took advantage of the moment of silence to pass on a little advice..."That shit ain't Armorall." What seems obvious to most of us seems to sometimes slip past the public we serve, and I'm all about helping people out in their moment of need. Comedy.

Kristen
"Bow chicka bow bow"

[RECON5]

Keeping along the same lines I would like to share a story related to me by an East Texas Officer.........yeah yeah.

Everybody was sitting around the station twideling thier fingers in "Pot Hole" Texas, when a tourist calling on a cell phone tells the dispatcher that there are two people (a man and a woman) having sex on the balcony of this apartment, which faces a (the only) major highway running through town. The tourist stated they were "really getting after it" because he could here them over his radio as he slowed down for the yellow blinking light. The Officer responds to the location and upon his arrival observes two "neked" butts run into the apartment. The officer makes his way to the door and a man wearing only his underwear answers the door out of breath to ask "what seems to be the problem officer". The officer explains the call he recieved and the man denies they were having sex. The officer in that "parental tone of voice" says look buddy I saw you and the girl run inside and neither of you had any clothes on. The guy, realizing he was caught pleads to the officer's sense of compassion by saying "Ohhh man it's ok.....really, because she is only my cousin". As if he would never do that with his sister...or not in public anyway. And people wonder why have repeatedly petitioned the legislature to put a law on the books makin STUPIDTY a felony...


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REMEMBER 1*

[mdb23]

Heard this from a friend.....

2 Officers are dispatched to a disturbance involving the repossession of a vehicle. Upon arrival, they find a violent, and quite large, female in the front yard threatening to kill the operators of a tow truck. Turns out the tow operators are bail bondsmen who are there to collect mama's vehicle due, in large part, to the fact that she put the vehicle up as collateral for the release of her son. Well, sonny was a no show at court, and the men wanted the car. The officers explained that they could not stop the repossession, and that they were simply there to keep the peace. Keep in mind that this lady swore up and down that she had no idea where her son could be.

Finally, one frustrated Officer said something along the lines of "Lady, they either want your son or the car, and they are leaving today with one or the other." The lady's entire expression changes, and she leans over to one officer and whispers, "you mean if they get my son, they won't take my car?" The officer asks the bondsman what he would rather have, and the bondsman states that he would rather have the skip. The lady pulls the cop and bondsman off to the side and says, "you can't tell him that I dimed him out, but he is hiding in the last room on the left as you go in my front door." The bondsmen enter, take the skip into custody, and are loading him into the truck while his mom is on her hands and knees in the front yard screaming and crying, "Oh my God! Dear God in heaven!!! Lordy, how did they find my baby? Don't worry, mama will get you out baby!!!!!

As soon as they roll off, she wipes away her tears, gets a gruff expession on her face, and says, "I'll be goddamned if any motherfucker thinks they gonna take MY car." The Officers almost passed out with laughter.

If I have time, I will post the story I heard about a rookie who took an unexpected shower in the bodily fluids of a corpse.

mdb23



[This message has been edited by mdb23 (edited 12-16-2000).]

[WS-G]

Another short, almost one-line — but regrettably, clean — True Tale of East Texas Law Enforcement.

My first shift on the job during the three weeks I spent working Dispatch for one of the local SO's, a woman called in and asked me "I'd like to see about my house bein' broke into...."

Choking back the urge to laugh — at least until I forwarded her call to the detective handling her [prior] burglary complaint — I was sorely tempted to reply:

"Yes ma'am, I'll be right over with my tools!"

[ski]

Also along the same lines, my very, VERY, first call as a police officer was being dispatched for a suspicious auto behind a school at about 2330 hours. I ended up finding one guy (about 19 years old) sucking another guy (about forty) off in the backseat. It was a fitting start to my career. It all goes downhill from there...

Ski

[ski]

I got a kind of gross one, too. This might be similar to mdb23's next one...

While working in a large Missouri city on a bend on the banks of the mighty Mississippi driving around the ghetto on nasty hot and humid summer dat with my partner, we got dispatched to a "check the welfare" call. The subject in question had not been heard from for a week or two. Needless to say...a dry floater (as opposed to the wet floaters the Mississippi coughs up an a regular basis). We entered the house where said subject was in bed...dead. And his little dog was knocking on the door of doggie heaven to boot. No signs of foul play and the subject was known to be a sickie. We called the ME and they said to code it a natural death and a body removal crew was en route. Well, being it was a typical gross summer in the Gateway City, said dry floater was quite bloated. The body snatchers came, two old guys and paraded on in like they were getting ready to order chicken at Popeye's. Standing in the hallway looking into the bedroom, we hear one body snatcher say to the other, "just grab him there." The guy grabs him and the floater just explodes and shit goes everywhere. These two old guys start screaming and doing the funky chicken while running out of the house. We had quite a laugh on that one.

[This message has been edited by ski (edited 12-16-2000).]

[Swat1]

Ok, this one is a legend in my department and happened a couple of years before I got here, but is still hilarious and confirmed true:

The names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

My jurisdiction has a large portion of a rural highway running through which sees about 400 cars per hour. We have a traffic team that operates up on the highway and usually there are only one or two of them on at a time. On one fateful afternoon Officer Happy is running traffic up on the highway and had just finished with an unlucky motorist and is still sitting in his patrol unit finishing his paperwork. Before pulling out to continue on he realizes that a piece of some equipment or other (actual equipment unknown) has rolled back into the back seat floorboard under the screen. Officer Happy exits his patrol vehicle and proceeds to enter the back seat area to retrieve the equipment. This being Oregon we have a lot of log truck and semi truck traffic on the highway. As Officer Happy is in the back seat a semi truck drives by and blows the back door closed with Officer Happy trapped in the custody end of his patrol car. With all the internal locks, window controls, door handles etc removed and the cage closed he is trapped. After not answering his status checks a call is put out to respond to his last known location. Of course this was fifteen miles down the road, so the responding officer goes Code 3 as Officer Happy has not responded to several checks. Officer Laughinghisassoff arrives to see Officer Happy trapped inside his patrol unit. With a barely audible "325 is Code 4 (ok)" Officer Laughinghisassoff takes his trusty camera and proceeds to shoot several pictures of the crime scene.

Officer Happy has never lived that incident down.

[bd]

More East Texas stories (oh all second had of course...hehehe):

I know of an incident where an ambulance crew had take a 13 year old kid to the hospital because of a "pressure-related" injury. Seems the young man really needed a date and Miss Coke-a-cola Bottle was available. Vacuum's can be rough on a person. You get my drift here, right? They tried to keep it low key call, but by the time the EMT's decided the kid had to go to the hospital, there were 3 police cars, two fire trucks, and one ambulance on scene...not to mention an entire neighborhood standing outside wondering what was going on.

My second story takes place in rural "Pot-Hole County". A friend of mine in the Sheriffs Dept. told me of a couple who were having some fun in a hottub until they developed a bit of a vacuum in there and got stuck together. He and his partner were the first on scene and both the victems were howling pretty good. Said the fire department had to help the EMTs get the couple out of the hottub, onto a stretcher, and to the hospital where it darned near took minor surgery to get the two of them apart.

Ouch.

BD

[RECON5]

oHHHH The memories. Let's see should we tell the one about..The guy who came in to the ER, while I was working my part time job, with his "sensative member" stuck in the thumb hole of a pair of surgical clamps.....something about getting his girlfriend excited, while smoking marijuana..of course she was less than excited because she did not join him.

or...the one about the officer, who had his patrol unit stolen by a juvenile burglar, who was able to get his cuffs in front of him, climb through the sliding glass window of the cage and drive off with the unit...of course he was caught a few hours later....with the patrol unit keys in his pocket...can you say UUMV.(unauthorized use of a motor vehicle)

Lets just see what else develops here.


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REMEMBER 1*

[grrlcop74]

Alright here's a couple more...

We had one of those "Officer locked in own car" incidents as well. Back in the day, MCSO carried those monstrous 400Mhz radios on their hip, and put them in a base while in the car. Well Deputy Turbo decides while he's got paddy wagon duty he's going to get a little action with his girlfriend (no, NOT me). So Deputy Turbo and his chick disrobe and hop in the back...just as the wind blows the door shut. After several hours he is finally found buck nekkid and earned a nickname he is still known by..."Click", for the sound the door made when it shut. He's also no longer employed with MCSO.

I have another story, not LE but from my Army days. One of the previous posts reminded me of it. There was a young specialist who never could seem to get it right. Everywhere he went he picked up yet another nickname. He was several classes ahead of me at AIT, where he picked up the nickname "Pissy" for pissing in his pants in formation one day. Then on to Ft. Huachuca for Guardrail, where a classmate who had been stationed in Korea with him regaled us with tales of his trips to the ladies of the evening. That earned him the name "Downtown". Then on to Kunia, Hawaii, where he earned his final nickname before being booted because he was a fatass. One of his roommates was in my platoon and after a short PT session one day I stopped by his room with him. As we walked in, we found the good specialist sitting on the couch, his pants around his ankles, going at it with the vacuum cleaner set on "shag". After that he was known as "Hoover".

Kristen
"Bow chicka...uh...nevermind"

[mdb23]

Man.....so many memories, so little time....

I heard of a recruit, fresh out of the academy, who, upon being ordered to render his weapon safe so that it might be inspected, forgot to remove his magazine before cycling the slide. Naturally, a round flew from the ejection port, and another was chambered in its place from the still inserted magazine. The recruit then removed the magazine, and proceeded to pull the trigger (a necessary step when field stripping the Glock 22). <Boom boom in the roll call room.>

I heard he got a little ass chewing over that one.

mdb23

[WS-G]

One from my time with the Air Force:

A cherry copilot once had the impression that the loadmaster's most important function was to keep the O's supplied with coffee during flight. "Two spoons of sugar, two sppons of cream!"

During a two-week TDY downrange, this request quickly wore thin, but still, a certain more-experienced NCO loadie cheerfully complied.

The CP's disposition grew progressively more irritable during the days which followed, while said load grew all the more congenial in his dealings with that distinguished junior officer.

It must have been that wonderful coffee the loadmaster insisted upon making special, just for the brown-bar. The rest of the crew were finally let in on the secret ingredient....

Two spoons of sugar, two spoons of cream, one spoon of Kaopectate!

[jcollettusa]

Alright, I have one: This is while I was in the Corps. One night me and my roommate decided to hit one of many of Jacksonville's finest night-life establishments. Well it was getting late and we had to PT in a couple of hours, so I decided to call it a night. I then proceeded to track down my buddy, who was busting the moves on this girl, so he decided to stay and I went back to the barracks. I layed down thinking that I was going to be hurting during PT in the morning. Anyway, just as I fell asleep he brings this same girl home. They proceeded to mess around and then he gets her on the top bunk, yes we had bunk beds and his was the top one. Anyhow, after a good 55 minutes of listening to her moan and the bed slapping up against the concrete wall for about an hour and me down below just rocking along with the motion. I heard them start talking and of course I was brought up into the subject about how heavy of a sleeper I am, which is not true at all and they were doing the usual conversation after sex, what's your name again, is this one-night stand time, etc. you all know the deal. Just when things were calming down I began to think that I was finally going to be able to sleep; they started messing around again. Then she asked the most ridiculous question I think I have ever hear "do you think we are going to wake your roommate up?" I just wanted to jump out of the rack and slap her dumb ass. I mean come on, not only did she wake me up, she woke up people that were four rooms down with her yelling and we were on BUNK BEDS.

Don't worry though, I vowed revenge, which I would get, but that is another story for another time. http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/wink.gif

[WS-G]

This is where Consideration Of Others training really comes in!

[LRSC Grunt]

jcollettusa,
Your roomate ever heard of sharing?

[ski]

ABout nine years ago on midnights, I got the primary call for a holdup alarm at a 7-11. Upon arrival, I parked on the side of the building and worked my way to the front windows of the store, peeking around the corner of the building. Already, other units were arriving and doing the same from the other side. My first peek into the store showed me no one. I could not see anyone in the store. I looked again and I saw the forehead of a girl poking up over the cashiers counter and then disappear. The forehead appeared again and the eyes below of said forehead saw me. The forehead and eyes belonged to the clerk who stood up and waved me in. I walked in and asked her rather bluntly where the robber went. She said, "He never came in the store." I asked her what happened. She said that she was talking on the phone when she heard something hit the front doors. She looked over and saw a man in a ski mask holding a pistol outside the door. The man kept pushing on the door but never came in. He started ramming it with his body, but still didn't come in the door. Finally he smacked the door with his gun and ran away. Needless to say, the door had to be PULLED from the outside to get in. Moron.

[mdb23]

ski

sounds like a nominee for the Darwin awards.

GUY

Come on now, we are all friends here. I promise nobody will laugh TOO hard. And, if they do, yo can just kick their ass.

LOL

mdb23

[This message has been edited by mdb23 (edited 12-18-2000).]

[jcollettusa]

LRSC: He didn't offer that night, but there was a time when he brought home two of the ugliest and fattest girls that you have ever seen and offered one of them to me, which I reluctantly passed on and wound up sleeping in the duty hut.

Guy: You da man, I can only imagine what you said to that chick to get sucker punched (LOL), but I am having a fun time imagining it.

------------------
Semper Fi

[RogueExec]

One time, my partner and I were on a foot chase with an armed robbery suspect through the base. He was a jack rabbit and we were having a tough time keeping up, but we kept him in sight. As we hit the golf course I was still losing ground when I, in desperation, yelled out, "STOP! Or I'll release the dog!!!" My partner, keying in on my attempt, barked loudly several times. The suspect stopped dead in his tracks, put his hands on his head, knelt down, and began yelling for us to please NOT release the dog. Needless to say, when we caught up with him, he noticed there was no dog. He was pissed. My partner, about a week later, was assigned to the K-9 unit......no joke.

That same partner and I responded to the E-Club one night, where a drunken idiot was being violent with just about anyone who got in his way. He was in the parking lot when we showed up. He saw us, made a beeline for his car, got in, fired it up, and backed up to leave. In doing so, he backed over a curb and high-centered the car. My partner approached the car and the drunk floored the gas pedal. My partner starts jogging in place. The drunk continues to press the pedal and my partner begins running in place. As the drunk watches his speedometer pass 70, 75, 80, with my partner all the while "keeping up with him", the drunk is just amazed.....eyes as big as Buick hubcaps...he starts shakin' and peein' himself. Finally stops the car. The whole way to the station he's telling the wagon guys about this "cop who chased him down in his car while he was doin' 80 easy". New nickname for my partner? FLASH.
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"I'd like some wine for my men, some hay for my horses, and some mud for my turtle."

[This message has been edited by RogueExec (edited 12-18-2000).]

[shurefire]

These stories are very entertaining and give me a little preview of things I may expect in the field. Keep 'em coming. (These stories I mean, your minds are still in the gutter after KRISTEN's story?)

<<eek I'm sorry K, I usually lurk in the Marine threads. Sorry to be an ass. Both of you ladies rock, sorry to get confused.>>

[This message has been edited by shurefire (edited 12-18-2000).]

[grrlcop74]

Alright now shure...there's only two wenches (pardon me, Grace) that have the balls to post on these boards. At least you can keep us straight ;D

K-R-I-S-T-E-N

[grrlcop74]

Here's one related to me by a friend, now an FBI agent, who used to be the intake counselor for the local juvie boot camp. One evening I was his date for Strickland Youth Center's Christmas party. He got a page out to report to the boot camp since they were bringing a group of kids in. His job was to stand by and observe as they were brought in for processing. I went back to his apartment to wait it out and when he returned he was laughing his ass off. When he got there, he stood back and watched as one young man about 14 years of age ran his mouth. This was a skinny, too small for his age little redneck who had priors for everything from harassment up to robbery and thought he was Billy Badass. He kept running his mouth to the other kids, to the drills (who were standing back themselves and watching at this early stage in the game), and going on and on. Finally it got to the point for the kids to strip and be searched and de-liced. They lined up, Billy Badass first. When he realized what was happening he suddenly got very very quiet. All eyes were on him with the sudden change. He slowly dropped trou to reveal...Ghostbuster Underoos. He was small enough to still fit in them. Kev said you could have heard a pin drop. He had to turn around to keep from laughing. The drills were all over the kid at that point..for the duration of his stay he was known as "Recruit Ghostbusters". Guess he wasn't so badass after all.

Kristen

[Tracy]

Place: Tennessee.

Situation: Training Officer with New Academy Graduate.

Time: Midnight.

The FTO and the Newbie are cruising through the Projects when they get a call to assist in a foot-pursuit. As luck would have it, the perp pops out onto the street right in front of them. They follow in the car and the perp runs towards a bridge.

The subject bolts for the ditch under the bridge; which is choked with weeds and brush. Recruit immediately bails and follows into the ditch. FTO stops the car and runs to the edge and peers into the gloom. He hears a fierce struggle (SNAP, AIEEE, THUD, etc.) but can't see where they are...

FTO: "LIGHT HIM UP!!"

Recruit: "I AM!!"

FTO: "USE YOUR FLASHLIGHT!!"

Recruit: "I AM!!"

FTO: Sigh, "TURN-IT-ON!!"

Recruit: "Oh." Click.

Perp was taken to hospital enroute to jail.

[Tracy]

Desert: California Desert

Situation: JTF-6 Support to DEA Operations.

An SF Recon Team was sent out to find an RV sighted going offroad into BLM Land. Usually this means they're a mobile methamphetamine lab. After 3-4 hours of wandering around the foothills, the team can't find any sign of the vehicle. The following is the radio traffic...

Team: "Base, Victor-66. No sign of target, over. Say again last known location."

HQ: "Victor-66, Base. Last known location Grid blah-blah-blah-blah."

Team: "Base, Victor-66. Roger that, we're about 100 meters north and we don't...KA-BOOOOM!!"

HQ: "Victor-66, Base. Say Again."

Team: "Base, scratch that, target identified, roll Fire, roll HazMat. We'll respond as soon as the pieces land."

The perp in the RV decided to go forward to the drivers seat and light up a cigarette while waiting for the stuff to cook...

The Team found him laying face up about 20 meters from the blast, cigarette in hand, and smoke curling up around the edges; alive. Wile E. Coyote would have been proud.

[Tracy]

Place: Lake Mead, Nevada.

Situation: JTF-6 support to DEA Operations.

An SF Company has recon duty in the Nevada/Arizona region of the US. After a couple of weeks in the desert, the DEA SAC gave the SF guys the keys to a house boat they seized weeks earlier. So one team at a time would take the boat out onto Lake Mead and relax for a day or two.

About two hours after dropping anchor, a motor boat pulls up and asks if anyone wants some 'blow'.

So they guys look at each other and say "Sure!! Come aboard and have a beer and burger!" Dealer walks inside and SLAP; he's on the deck bound and gagged. Team propmptly calls the SAC and the Agent says sit tight, I'll be right out to arrest him. The Agent is in Indian Springs, NV doing pre-briefs with other SF guys. He's at least five hours away.

So while the team waits, another boat pulls up and asks "You guys want some nose candy?" SURE, WALK, SLAP. Another boat tied off. The team doesn't bother to call because the SAC is enroute.

Another boat. SURE, WALK, SLAP. This goes on until the house boat is ringed with unoccupied boats; which makes everybody think there's one HELUVA party goin' on; which brings more dealers.

Pretty soon they're turning dealers away, but taking business cards and phone numbers in case they run out...

Up putters the SAC in a 10 foot Zodiac; wondering what-the-hell is going on. It took a WEEK to get all the paperwork filled out.

[Sharky]

<Laughing Hysterically>

------------------
F.I.D.O.

[LRSC Grunt]

Guy,
Is she your wife?

[Marauder]

GUY, as good a story as it is, I think I still gotta give Rogue's "Flash" and Tracy's "KABOOM" and "SURE, WALK, SLAP" props for being the most ROTFLMAO-inducing. But yours comes a DAMN CLOSE second. I'll tell ya, women are on crack. RIGHT, GrrlCop????

[This message has been edited by Marauder (edited 12-19-2000).]

[grrlcop74]

<smacking vein>
We prefer the term "mood altering substances". Anything that helps us deal with the everyday traumas of MEN. http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/biggrin.gif

Kristen
Psychobitch Extraordinaire

[This message has been edited by grrlcop74 (edited 12-19-2000).]

[RECON5]

LMAO - Those are great, and thanks for the advice on the opposite sex GUY, just goes to show how truely deep your life's experiences do go. LOL

Since we're going operational, I thought I would share one more....I will never forget.

Place- "Pot Hole" Texas
Time - 2am
Event - Narcotics Search Warrant - Meth

We had been up all day instructing a Basic SWAT School, but of course Narcotics came up with a "sure thing" at 2am. Due to having sent one team home to be ready for PT at 5am with the students we went to our latest aquasition....a new breecher. Give'em a shot "he's ready". Well as we later learned he tunnel vision was something he was not able to overcome.

FFW.- We are making our approach to the suspects trailer house, and the breacher is carrying the Fire Axe...a tool used many times, which "if used correctly" (key phrase)will snatch open a trailer house door in a heart beat. I had seen it done a million times no concerns. My partner and I stage on the door to provide cover and call up the breecher. He makes the call "Police...Search Warrant" and with one fail swoop sends the fire axe smooth through the frail metal trailer house door. It took him a second, but he did remember the back-up and called "Halogen Bar.....Halogen Bar..." my partner fighting back laughter looks him dead in the face and says...."what the hell you gonna do with it...throw it through the door too?"..of course now when we make entry and "the smoke clears" the suspect is sitting on the couch straight across the room from the front door white as a ghost. The fire axe at head level 3ft to his left, stuck in the wall.

he never lived it down, and leaving the team brought no releif.

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REMEMBER 1*

[RogueExec]

KABOOM story is still killin' me.....LMAO!

Keep 'em comin'!!!

[This message has been edited by RogueExec (edited 12-19-2000).]

[Sharky]

OK, I will wade into the fray here. BUT, this is only make believe, right?

Scene: Methville, Arkansas
Mission: Serve narcotics search warrant.

Once again, a trailer house, a warrant and a new breaching technique.

After announcing their presence, the breacher waits a reasonable amount of time for occupants to open the door (approx. .20 seconds) and proceeds to breech the door using a ram. Mr. Breacher doesn't realize that said trailerhouse door opens OUT, not IN and thus the door V's somewhat but is far from breached. Meanwhile Mrs. Methhead is walking by said door at this time and decides to be a good citizen and open the door for the nice guys in the balaclavas at approximately the same time that Mr. Breacher is making his second attempt at breaching the door. Needless to say, momentum took it's course and Mrs. Methhead wound up getting breached right in the breadbasket (insert noise of every last bit of air leaving Mrs. Methheads lungs) and stepped on several times as entry was made on the residence. I even heard that one team member was heard to say, "That was COOL" as the team was making entry. (Can't imagine who that might have been) Miraculously, she was not seriously injured and Arkansas courts are not very good about taking pity on dopers who want to sue.

------------------
F.I.D.O.

[Sharky]

OK, I will wade into the fray here. BUT, this is only make believe, right?

Scene: Methville, Arkansas
Mission: Serve narcotics search warrant.

Once again, a trailer house, a warrant and a new breaching technique.

After announcing their presence, the breacher waits a reasonable amount of time for occupants to open the door (approx. .20 seconds) and proceeds to breech the door using a ram. Mr. Breacher doesn't realize that said trailerhouse door opens OUT, not IN and thus the door V's somewhat but is far from breached. Meanwhile Mrs. Methhead is walking by said door at this time and decides to be a good citizen and open the door for the nice guys in the balaclavas at approximately the same time that Mr. Breacher is making his second attempt at breaching the door. Needless to say, momentum took it's course and Mrs. Methhead wound up getting breached right in the breadbasket (insert noise of every last bit of air leaving Mrs. Methheads lungs) and stepped on several times as entry was made on the residence. I even heard that one team member was heard to say, "That was COOL" as the team was making entry. (Can't imagine who that might have been) Miraculously, she was not seriously injured and Arkansas courts are not very good about taking pity on dopers who want to sue.

------------------
F.I.D.O.

[mdb23]

LOCATION: Kansas City, MO

TIME: Too damned early

SITUATION: reading posts on SOCNET


While in the process of reading posts on SOCNET's "this should be entertaining thread," mdb23 was overcome by uncontrollable laughter and nearly fell out of his f**king chair!!!!!

Great stories!!

mdb23

[Tracy]

Place: Baden Lake, North Carolina

Situation: Mutual Aid Request.

The Sheriff of a local county asked the Exercise CO if he could send some folks over to Baden Lake to watch a marijuana patch someone grew in Uwharrie National Forest. It's ready for harvest, he needs some eyes on it and call when someone gets to it.

CO says sure; and a link-up plan is set between an SF Student Detachment and a Deputy Sheriff. They meet and set up signals, target location, etc.

The Team emplaces one six-man stag team right on the lakes' shoreline. They're hunkered down in the weeds when a boat comes up and beaches right in front of the hide site. Next thing they see is a picnic basket, cooler, and a blanket get tossed over the side. Then a couple hops out; a supermodel "Daisy Duke" twin and a butt-ugly redneck.

Well they set up shop and commence to eating and drinking the six-pack. About 30 minutes later, off come the clothes. For 15 minutes, this couple tried out every chapter in the Kama Sutra. This is all happening 10 feet in front of the stag team.

The couple lays back, exhausted with steam coming off them (in June). The stag team pops up out of ground and starts to applaud, whistle, and yells "ENCORE!"

The couple levitated and streaked for the boat; not looking back, not stopping for anything. The stag team picked up everything they left, sterilized the area, and went back to ground.

Nobody ever showed up for the grass.


[This message has been edited by Tracy (edited 12-19-2000).]

[WS-G]

Damn, Tracy.... That beats the decomposed sacrificial swine-in-a-pentagram my team stumbled across (literally!) in Sam Houston National Forest one summer night back in '83!

Cursory metascopic exam (quick look through the night vision scop in layman's term for those of you out there in TV-land) to make certain it wasn't a dead human and off we were again.

[LRSC Grunt]

I want to hear this one!

[RogueExec]

Agreed, Mr. Salter........c'mon.....give.

[RECON5]

Speaking of taking one for the team....or from the team........

Location: small communtiy, Texas
Time: late evening
Situation: Assistance Request - Barricaded Subj.

The local P.D. had been dealing with this suicidal individual for sometime prior to our arrival with no success. We arrived set up perimeter and then........wait and negotiate.
The suspect was a school teacher, who loved to hear the sound of voice and jerk off the police. We (the team) began to become inpatient after nightfall, as that was when preferred to operate (as most do). The negotiator being x-team member understood and convinced the ADM that no progress was being made. The suspect could hear the shrill screams of the nails being pulled out of his privacy fence as we prepared to introduce Gas. The suspect now claims he is invincable.
We begin shooting gas into the residence, and evidently "inadvertently" hit the suspect with a 37mm CS round to which he replied to our female negotiator by saying "ohhhhh you got me bitch", which could be heard probably for blocks. He then begins to stagger out the front door wobbling like some dying movie star from an old western. He was not as mad about getting "inadvertantly" hit with a gas round as he was the use of HIS boat anchor as a tactical gas deployment device through HIS living room window.

Of course then you have the other kinda guy, who just needs the right kind of motivation. Team member negotiating till the real one arrives, and tells the suspect to "get your ass out here", suspect: "why" , Team member: "Cause I gotta piss you S.O.B." , Suspect: "Okayyyy". (walking out door with head hung low) "WE DONT NEED NO STINKING NEGOTIATORS"

------------------
REMEMBER 1*

[This message has been edited by RECON5 (edited 12-20-2000).]

[Tracy]

I had an incident happen to me one time when I was a ride-along with the Simi Valley PD, California. I was on leave and the Chief, Jerry Boyce, offered to move me to the top of the waiting list as a gift.

So I'm riding with a training officer and we get a burglary/vandalism call at Simi High School. We pull up, lights out, etc. and start to stalk towards the noise. The FTO surprises one of the kids and grabs him. We were in the Senior Garden which has one way out, with me in the entrance.

The kid is talking all kinds of sh*t and giving the cop a REAL hard time. Suddenly the kid pimp-slaps the FTO, shoves him backwards and runs towards the entrance; and me. I have a habit of not talking (which is rare) and wearing my 'war face' when I work with cops. I switch on the laser eyes and give the best Academy Award performance I can (John Wayne, hands on hips, sneer, etc.).

The dipstick stops dead in his tracks about two feet in front of me and looks like a deer that jumped away from the car and in front of the dumptruck. Now the FTO walks up right behind him and says:

"Your call, partner. Either I kick your ass or he gets to play with his food."

By now, I've got this big sh*t-eating grin my face. I haven't uttered one syllable the whole time.

He laid down and crossed his arms.

We laughed our asses off for the rest of the shift. Needless to say, I had a good time...

[RogueExec]

That was CLASSIC, Tracy.....LMAO!
http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/jump.gif

[Tracy]

Place: South Central LA, Doughnut Shop.

Situation: K-9 Unit on break (Code 7?).

A Canine Unit was taking a break at a local C&D (Coffee and Doughnuts to the uninitiated) and they hear a report of a stolen church van. About 5 minutes later, a church van loaded with gangbangers rolls into the parking lot.

The Canine Team is rather unique: The dog weighs more than the handler; which makes them the butt of more than a few jokes. The dog, Atlas, is an economy-sized german shepard. The cop, Mikey, calls for back up and WALKS over to the front passenger door and raps on the window:

OG (rolls down the window): "What the f*ck do you want!??"

Mikey (whose eyes are level with the door handle): "I want to see your driver's license and registration."

OG: "Does your MOMMA know you're here???"

Mikey takes one step back and Atlas takes one leap forward; in through the passenger window. Mikey walks over to the side doors and leans on them for about 10 seconds. Atlas starts everybody running in circles in the back of the van.

Mikey opens the doors and the OGs pile out and lay on the ground gasping for breath, holding various appendeges, and screaming in pain.

Backup arrives about thiry seconds later. The van had to go into the auto shop for all the dents poking OUT from the body.

Atlas got a free doughnut from the church.

[LRSC Grunt]

This is better than Readers Digests Humor in Uniform!

[This message has been edited by LRSC Grunt (edited 12-20-2000).]

[Marauder]

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/eek2.gif
Tracy, I have a $20 that says your juvie ends up winning himself a Darwin Award someday down the road. I guess he never had a Poppa who taught his sorry ass that pissing off people who can and will shoot you for that shit is just a LITTLE counter-productive. Oh well, his loss.
So how long a hospital stay did your juvie have anyway? http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/wink.gif

[Tracy]

Originally posted by Marauder:

...So how long a hospital stay did your juvie have anyway? http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/wink.gif


The FTO took a "breath break" before cuffing him; so no stress, no violence, rage, etc. Pity.

Believe-It-Or-Not, the dingbat rammed his forehead into the door jamb getting in the back of the cruiser; he didn't want any help from the FTO getting in.

Two tylenol later, he got booked.

[WS-G]

Okay, LRSC Grunt and RogueExec, here it is....

Not much to tell, really. My team was on a land-nav exercise in Sam Houston National Forest one drill during the late summer of 1983. Anyway it was zero-dark-thirty in the very wee hours of Sunday morning and pitch-black as we were humping through the woods.

Order-of-march was: PFC L. (SSO — Senior Scout-Observer) SP4 D. (RTO — [Assistant] Radio Operator, though this guy was a non-MOS-qual'd "mule") SSG W. (PL — Patrol Leader) Then-PFC S. (SRO — Senior Radio Operator [me!]) CPL C. (APL — Assistant Patrol Leader)

We came out of the vegetation at a fork in a dirt road, started to cross one prong of the "Y" as we swiftly and silently bolted to re-unite ourselves with the trees and undergrowth on the other side.

Just as we crossed the "Y" and caught that distinctive aroma of putrefaction, the cript went something like this:

SSO: (trips without falling, starts to drive on like nothing happened)

RTO: (whispering to SSO) "Yechh! You fart?"

SSO: "Say what?"

PL: (silence)

SRO (me): (taking air sample) "Damn... who died? (left boot suddenly makes contact with groin region of the odor's source) F*ck...."

APL: "Oh-h shit!"

SRO (me): (to PL) "Hold up a minute. Maybe we should make sure this isn't a human."

PL: (to SSO and RTO) "Y'all hold up." (hauls out metascope)

APL: "Oh-h shit... I think I see tits..."

SRO (me): "Can't tell...."

APL: "Oh-h shit.... That's a human!"

PL: (passes metascope) "Just a dead pig."

So anyway, the APL and I took a look through the metascope and were treated to a fuzzy IR-spotlighted view of the carcass, belly-up and split open all the way down the middle. Satisfied that it wasn't human after all, we simply moved on to our PZ.

After we were extracted, we were comparing notes with one of the other Patrols and learned they had come across the same dead hog sometime after we did. One of them — twisted individual that he was — just had to stop and take two dozen color snapshots, flash and all. Next drill, he brought in the photographic handiwork: a rotting porcine carcass, neatly laid out on its back, each hoof tied to a stake in the ground, entrails drawn out and laid in the dirt encircling the body, at the middle of a crude pentagram scraped into the ground, heart, lungs, liver and kidneys laid out at one point each.

And sometimes we wonder why we're not allowed to carry live rounds on an FTX!

[Tracy]

Awright Judges, let's see some scores; Or it's no more bedtime stories!

Don't make me stop this thread...

[WS-G]

Well I don't know about points, but I'd wager the vultures scored themselves a meal soon after that last one!

[RogueExec]

Which MRE is that, btw.....I don't recall that one.

[grrlcop74]

Guy gets my vote for first place. Anyone who has had his manhood so publicly questioned, not to mention borne the marks to prove it, takes the cake!! I'm still laughing my ass off at the visual of that one.

Kristen

[WS-G]

The Outrageous Award goes to...

(solo drum-roll from the orchestra's timpanist)

GUY JONES Gets Bitch-Slapped!, starring GUY JONES!

(orchestral fanfare)

The Best Supporting Character Award goes to...

(just a double-tap <G> on the timpani this time!)

Tracy!

The Excellence In Technical Zaniness Award goes to...

(sound effect of Fred Flintstone setting his modern stone-age vehicle into motion)

RogueExec's partner, whoever the Hell he is!

And finally, the Comic Relief Award...

(banjo music)

Tracy and the Exploding Mobile Meth Lab!

[wolfhound227]

Best Over All:

Guy Jones

Best Cop Story:

Tracy-Exploding Meth Lab

Nastiest Cop Story:

grrlcop74- well just about anything
Kristen comes up with will usually
score well.

[This message has been edited by wolfhound227 (edited 12-29-2000).]

[grrlcop74]

Originally posted by wolfhound227:
Nastiest Cop Story:

grlcop- well just about anything
Kristen comes up with will usually
score well.

Aw shucks wolfie...but I do have to ask for clarification. Do I win the award for nastiest story or nastiest cop? http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/wink.gif

Kristen
"Anybody seen my jello filled wading pool?"

[grrlcop74]

Then there was the time I was the only one who could positively identify a gangbanger flying in with a load of coke, so I had to follow him around until he met up with his ride...and I was 7 1/2 months pregnant.

When he was in custody and found out I was a cop, he asked what I was going to have. Before I could answer, he said, "Prolly a boy. You gots enough balls yourself to go around."

<wiping tear> That was the proudest moment of my life.

Kristen
<still laughing her ass off to this day>

[mdb23]

My votes are as follows:

Tracy wins for the best law enforcement related story (JTF-6 "relaxing" on a house boat), and GUY wins HANDS DOWN in the "I can't believe you told that story on a public forum" category.

Thanks for the stories,

mdb23

PS Have any other cops out there looked at their schedules and realized that they have worked every freakin' holiday this past year?

[zeroalpha]

Originally posted by grrlcop74:
Then there was the time I was the only one who could positively identify a gangbanger flying in with a load of coke, so I had to follow him around until he met up with his ride...and I was 7 1/2 months pregnant.

When he was in custody and found out I was a cop, he asked what I was going to have. Before I could answer, he said, "Prolly a boy. You gots enough balls yourself to go around."

Kristen


and ?????? was it a boy or a girl ?

Z

[RogueExec]

Originally posted by William M Salter:

RogueExec's partner, whoever the Hell he is!



His name is Dale "Flash" Michaelson, and last I heard he was working for some department in the sticks out in ND or SD, can't remember which.
When I saw him last, based on his physical appearance, "Flash" is obviously just an honorary title.
The only thing "flash" about the guy now is how fast he downs a 6-pack of maple bars.



------------------
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

[Tracy]

I want a re-count.

[grrlcop74]

Originally posted by zeroalpha:
and ?????? was it a boy or a girl ?

Z

It was a 10lb, 2oz. baby boy...hey, I birth 'em big, what can I say? http://www.specialoperations.com/ubboard/biggrin.gif

Oh, and on a side note...on his ultrasound when we were trying to find out his sex, we couldn't tell at first..because he was grabbing himself. <shaking head> I'm gonna have problems with that boy....

Kristen

[wolfhound227]

Uhh,Kristen,uhh,maybe "nasty" doesn't encompass all that you bring to this forum...

Salter is a good word guy,I'm sure Sharky might be helpful as well.

Tracy-No recount,besides,I think you're holding out!!

[FAST4CQB]

As a former active duty and currently active resereve 0321 U.S.Marine, my ethos will not allow me to take fire without returning fire. This being said here is the "After action report..." I am a 6 yr patrolman at a large Texas police department, and work for an Lt. whom is best described as one of "the good ole boys". You see if you are one of his "boys" well.......you all work for his type so you get the drift. This Lt. aka Grizzly, while at the range for winter night Qualification, felt it necessary to make me his target for his evenings entertainment. He has never done this so he was ill prepared for the ensueing FPL..(FINAL PROTECTIVE FIRE). But how to go about this...afterall I got stuck with the "BRASS" on this qual evolution. IA , Homicide div., the chief, 2 asst. chiefs, aprox 60 detectives and so on...remember I am just a patrolman. Well I had had enough...Grizz failed to secure his ear protection properly between relays..(you see he wasnt nor could he have ever been a Marine...girl scout maybe) soooo the little patrolman found his field ID kit..and removed a contained of "black as hell" fingerprint powder for the kit. At first I just dusted the inside of the muffs....then the devil got ahold of me a I poured the whole damn jar into one of the muffs, squeezed them togather and shook like hell..Well ole Grizz came back from slobbin the brass knob and walked back to the firing line, placed his modified muffs on his fat head and Whaaalaaa. Well it wasnt a big deal until the lights came on...Oh Jesus!!!!!!!!! his whole freakin head was coal black!!!!!!!! I almost crapped myself and all of about 200 police detectives and admin types were laughing at this big, pissed off Lt. I felt a warm feeling of accomplishment. So SEMPER FI to all of you who are "just patrolman" and to those of you who resemble Grizz.........Semper Fi.

------------------
Semper Fi

[Marauder]

C'MON GUYS (and I guess I have to mention Kristen as well)! Surely you can't ALL be tapped out. Let's hear 'em! I still don't think anyone can top Tracy or Guy, but hey, you never know....

[Sharky]

Ahhhhhh, yes, the joys of print powder. LMAO

------------------
F.I.D.O.

[RogueExec]

Originally posted by Marauder:
C'MON GUYS (and I guess I have to mention Kristen as well)!

Bad Marauder, No cookie.

The Great Goddess of Law Enforcement, The Queen of Blue Polyester, The Pimptress of BadgedBoys, SHOULD have been mentioned FIRST.



------------------
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

[grrlcop74]

Originally posted by RogueExec:
Bad Marauder, No cookie.

The Great Goddess of Law Enforcement, The Queen of Blue Polyester, The Pimptress of BadgedBoys, SHOULD have been mentioned FIRST.



<wiping tear>

I LOVE YOU, MAN!!!!

<takin' a swig of beer>

Kristen

[sanpat10]

This is a little late but I just registered as a member. I was working the late shift during the summer of 2000. We received a call of a man chasing his wife with a shotgun. Myself along with four other deputies responded and set up around the trailer. I was standing about 10 feet from the trailer holding my issue shotgun. I felt something hit my right leg and looked down to find a rooster trying to "spur" me. I kicked the rooster away from me and it rolled a few times. The rooster stood up and dusted itself up. I saw his neck feathers stand up and it came back for another attack. I pointed the barrel of the shotgun down to hit the rooster and my partner starts yelling "he's gonna shoot, he's gonna shoot". I smacked the rooster with the barrel and again rolled it away from me. For the third time the rooster went into attack mode. I decided that I'd had enough of it's S***T and as it got near I sprayed it with OC. The last I saw of the rooster, it was running around the corner of the trailer house shaking it's head. After we arrest the perp., my partner told me that he saw the rooster on the porch and for some unknown reason, threw a coat hanger at it and pissed it off.

[RogueExec]

Moral of the story: Don't use a hanger on someone else's cock.

------------------
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

[grrlcop74]

ddddammit

[This message has been edited by grrlcop74 (edited 01-15-2001).]

[grrlcop74]

Erik...ROFLMFAO!!!!!! <wiping tear>

Kristen

[ski]

Nice one, RogueExec!!!!!

[RECON5]

Rogue.......not surprising you would get the moral of that story considering your signature line...... I bet your hell to party with bud.

------------------
REMEMBER 1*

[RogueExec]

Originally posted by RECON5:
Rogue.......not surprising you would get the moral of that story considering your signature line...... I bet your hell to party with bud.



Moi? Just a happy drinker/card player --- as long as the Scotch is Highland Single Malt, at least 12 years old, and served "neat". And if it's beer, it's gotta be dark and thick. If I can't cut a slice, forget it.
If any of you are ever up this way, stop by. Just make sure to call first. LOL
http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/peepwall.gif

------------------
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

[This message has been edited by RogueExec (edited 01-18-2001).]

[ANACONDA]

MY LAST AMBULANCE CALL,
WE GOT CALLED OUT FOR A "MAN DOWN, PD ENROUTE".
AS WE PULL UP TO THIS HOUSE, I SEE THIS BIG HISPANIC LYING ON THE FRONT PORCH OF THE RESIDENCE FLAT ON HIS BACK.
I'M THINKING THIS GUY GOT HIMSELF SHOT-UP.
(TYPICAL SUNDAY MORNING)
AS I'M GETTING OFF THE TRUCK, PD PULLS UP, WE WALK UP TO CHECK THIS GUY OUT.
AS WE'RE WALKING, THIS GUY GETS UP AND STARTS TO UNZIP HIS FLY. HE DIDNT SUCCEED CAUSE HE STILL MANAGED TO PISS ON HIMSELF.
I ASK HIM HOW IS HE DOING, HE LOOKS AT ME WITH THIS HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE AND SAYS HE IS FINE. WE'RE NOTICING HIS BREATH AT THIS MOMENT. A LADY FROM THE RESIDENCE COMES OUT OF THE HOUSE AND ASKS WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE.
WE ASK HER IF THIS IS HER HUBBY, SHE SAYS SHE HAS NEVER SEEN THE GUY BEFORE AND WHO'S TRUCK IS THAT IN THE YARD. (HERE'S WHERE WE FIGUERD OUT THAT HE WAS A STRAY DRUNK) PD ASKS THE LADY IF SHE HAS EVER SEEN HIM BEFORE, SHE SAYS NO. THEY BEGIN TO CUFF HIM AND THIS BIG GUY STARTS TO RESIST. I ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO GET SOME BREAKFAST INSTEAD, HE SAYS OKAY. WE (PD AND MY PARTNER) PICK HIM UP, AND WALK HIM TO THE PATROL CAR, OPEN THE DOOOR FOR HIM AND SEND HIM ON HIS WAY.
PD DRIVES OFF AND THE BIG GUY STILL HAS THAT SMILE ON HIS FACE.

HE WAVES AT US AS THEY DRIVE BY !

HOPE HE ATE WELL.

[RECON5]

Rogue - not much into the Scotch thing, but if I get up that way I will bring my own Cuervo Gold.....no lime, no salt, all Tequilla, along with a good Cigar, and then we could play cards.

------------------
REMEMBER 1*

[RogueExec]

No prob, bro. "To-kill-ya" will never pass these lips again (Tres Generaciones = Tres Monster Hours of Dry Heaves, long story).

I like Macanudo's, but the dog likes Swisher Sweets. Go figure. We'll put him out.

------------------
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

[This message has been edited by RogueExec (edited 01-18-2001).]

[RogueExec]

By the way, if anyone is looking to lateral, Bellevue, Washington Police Department is looking to hire 17 more officers by March. Starting pay ranges from 42k to 49k per year. No joke.

Email me for details. 97bravo@army.net

[This message has been edited by RogueExec (edited 01-18-2001).]

[ANACONDA]

HOW IS THE COMPETITION FOR A GIG LIKE THAT ?
YEARS AGO I HAD TAKEN TESTS FOR SAN ANTONIO FIRE DEPT. AND HOUSTON FIRE DEPT.
ABOUT 2,000 SHOWED UP FOR THE TEST IN SA, DOUBLE THAT IN HOUSTON.
SA HAD ABOUT 30 OPENINGS, HOUSTON HAD 15.
I'M FIGURING THAT, FORM PRIOR EXPERIENCE, THE COMPETITION WOULD BE JUST AS FIERCE.
WHEN I TESTED FOR PD HERE, ONLY ABOUT 80 OR SO FOLKS SHOWED UP.

[RogueExec]

Washington is gearing up for the LEOFF/1 initiative that could come, which would pay eligible officers 90% of their base pay for retirement instead of 75%. If that passes, the departments will be scrambling.

As it is, Bellevue is expanding right now and is already short some officers. They are also having problems coming up with qualified individuals. Laterals will be accepted with open arms, naturally. But even Entry Level candidates will have a better chance than usual in this case.

[ski]

Just wondering, are out of state applicant police officers considered lateral? If so, what academy length, if any, is required?

I have seen in the past Seattle, Vancouver, and others in Washington state advertise, even here in St. Louis. That retirement plan is great! Much better than anything here! 90%!!!

Ski

[RogueExec]

Originally posted by ski:
Just wondering, are out of state applicant police officers considered lateral? If so, what academy length, if any, is required?

I have seen in the past Seattle, Vancouver, and others in Washington state advertise, even here in St. Louis. That retirement plan is great! Much better than anything here! 90%!!!

Ski

Yes, out of state officers can lateral with little problem.
Most of the time, 2 weeks in the Academy is all they require.
The 90% is pending the passage of the LEOFF/1 Initiative. If that passes, ALL departments will be hiring....FAST!

[Sigi]

Looking for Sneaky's Geographically Induced Consequences thread and bumped into this thread. Good stuff.

(if anyone can locate the thread I am talking about let me know...lol)

[FinsUp]

Holy resurrected threads!

[Parajuevos]

During the riot in the Haight Ashbury District in San Francisco, in 1968, a small group of cops were cornered on Haight Street and backup was having a hell of a time trying to re enforce them.

Finally, a group from the TAC Squad commandered a city Ambulance and sped to the corner of Haight and Masonic, where the driver said, "Hey man, the police just beat up some of your brothers down the street and we need to get down there and help them out." The rioters parted, just as the Red Sea did for Moses, and our TAC Squad bretheren sped down the street in the back of the City Ambulance, to the Corner of Haight and Clayton, where they threw open the doors and rapidly emerged from their Trojan Horse. The hippies were treated, as promised but I can assure you it wasn't in a medical way.:D

[EasyRunGent's]

HAHAHAHAHAHAH NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D :D
Ok, this one is a legend in my department and happened a couple of years before I got here, but is still hilarious and confirmed true:

The names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

My jurisdiction has a large portion of a rural highway running through which sees about 400 cars per hour. We have a traffic team that operates up on the highway and usually there are only one or two of them on at a time. On one fateful afternoon Officer Happy is running traffic up on the highway and had just finished with an unlucky motorist and is still sitting in his patrol unit finishing his paperwork. Before pulling out to continue on he realizes that a piece of some equipment or other (actual equipment unknown) has rolled back into the back seat floorboard under the screen. Officer Happy exits his patrol vehicle and proceeds to enter the back seat area to retrieve the equipment. This being Oregon we have a lot of log truck and semi truck traffic on the highway. As Officer Happy is in the back seat a semi truck drives by and blows the back door closed with Officer Happy trapped in the custody end of his patrol car. With all the internal locks, window controls, door handles etc removed and the cage closed he is trapped. After not answering his status checks a call is put out to respond to his last known location. Of course this was fifteen miles down the road, so the responding officer goes Code 3 as Officer Happy has not responded to several checks. Officer Laughinghisassoff arrives to see Officer Happy trapped inside his patrol unit. With a barely audible "325 is Code 4 (ok)" Officer Laughinghisassoff takes his trusty camera and proceeds to shoot several pictures of the crime scene.

Officer Happy has never lived that incident down.

[Parajuevos]

One day, I was driving my patrol vehicle down the street past an Adult Vocational School, when a nice young lady entered the street and flagged me down. She exclaimed,"Officer, I think you better check the front of your car. There is something on your bumper. I immediatley knew what she was talking about but pretended that I didn't.

I raced back to the Station and entered the lot, where I hastily removed a large Dildo, which had been the subject of much joking around, earlier in the day, at the morning lineup.

On another occassion, we were up in the lunch room and one of the guys, who had a weak stomach, had just warmed up a nice meal and had gone to the restroom to wash his hands. Someone had a fake pile of dog shit and I suggested that it be placed next to "Herman the Germans" plate. I then poored some coffee over the fake shit, in order to make it look more realistic. The shit was then covered with a paper towel.

Herman, "The Dirty Stinkin German Vermin,"(thats what we called him for fun) came back and sat down. I asked him, "Hey, Herman, whaddaya got under the paper towel?" He lifted the towel up and saw the runny piece of fake shit and with his German accent, went into one of the most eloquent non stop tirades of cursing that I have ever heard and stormed out of the kitchen calling us all a bunch of "sick fucks."

Later, while I still had my patrolman accomplice available, I noticed a bunch of cops outside, in the parking lot, shooting the breeze. They had not witnessed the earlier prank, in the kitchen. I said, " Mark, put the shit in your mouth and walk over to Charlie and the others and chew on the shit, while it's half in and half out of your mouth. Oh yeh, and put a little coffee in your mouth and let it drip down your chin, while you're chewing on it." Mark, who was always happy to please, did just that and as he walked towards the group the cops simultaneously got eyes as big as saucers and scattered in all directions. I had never seen a bunch of old farts, on the day watch, move so fast. :D

[grog18b]

Now that's some funny "shit" right there...

[FinsUp]

LMMFAO!!!

[Parajuevos]

:D My old buddy Mark got pretty well zonkered at a testimonial dinner for my Captain, who was retiring from the Department. I told him to give me his car keys because he wasn't in any condition to drive home. He refused.

I grabbed him and put him in a headlock and pulled him into the personal vehicle of a friend of mine and while a 300 pound friend of mine named Cave, aka the Cave Man sat on his legs, while I held him in a head lock, we drove to the station.

I locked Mark up in a spare cell and told the Lieutenant not to let him out until he was sober because I didn't want to see him splattered all over some highway. I then went home.

A little while later another patrolman, who was a rookie at the time, was back by the cell area, when he heard a voice coming from the cell. "Hey, Eddie, get me out of here." Eddie O, went back to investigate and Mark said, that fuckin P..........locked me up. Get me outta here."

Eddie went to the Lieutenants office and said to the Lieutenant, " Hey Lieut, you know that Mark is back there in the cell? The Lieutenant replied, Yeh, he's doing a college project and he is in there so that he can write a paper on what it feel like to be locked up. Eddie O, replied, "Well, he wants to get out now." To which the Lieutenant informed him, "Oh no, he signed up for 4 hours and he's going to do the whole time." " Okay Lieut., Eddie O replied."

Mark eventually got out and returned to the station the next day, with his tail between his legs and apologized to the Captain, who he had been drunkenly calling by his first name the night before and saying things out of school to. The Captain, who was a first class, A number one leader and cops cop, just laughed it off.

Mark even thanked me for protecting him from himself to which I made him promise to do the same for me if the occassion ever arose. He promised that he would.:D :D

[grog18b]

Responded to a domestic years ago with a partner who can only be described as "jovial"... The guy was the "victim" and we went in and I sat at the kitchen table across from him, and my partner "Jimmy" was standing behind him. The guy was pretty lumped up, so we intended to arrest the wife for domestic violence. I asked where he thought his wife might have went. Here's how the interview proceeded:
Me: Can you tell me where your wife might have gone?
Dude: Yes, she went to her friend's house.
Me: Who's house?
Dude: The "Hoars".
Me: (I then start biting my toung)
Jimmy: Where do these whores live?
Dude gives us directions
Jimmy: What do these whores look like?
Dude gives a description
Me: (presently biting a hole in the side of my cheek, trying not to laugh in this guys face)
Jimmy: Do you have a number for these whores?
Dude gives us the phone number
Jimmy: How often does your wife visit the whores?
Me: (Now I'm turning purple from lack of oxygen)
Dude: About three or four times a week
Jimmy: Do you ever visit the whores?
Dude: (clueless) Yes, the wife and I both visit them a lot.
Me: (My sides are cramping, and now I'm trying to break my finger to take my mind off the pain of my sides)
Jimmy: So, you and your wife visit the whores frequently?
Dude: Yes, all the time. They are good family friends.
Jimmy: Okay sir, we'll go visit the whores, and get back with you when we're done with them.

"Jimmy" did all of the above completely serious, and never cracked a smile.
I, on the otherhand left the house and laughed for an hour.

Another domestic incident, Jimmy and I respond to, I am in the kitchen interviewing the female victim, she is facing me, Jimmy is (once again) behind her, with a fridge behind him. As I am interviewing her, I see Jimmy remove his baton from his holster. I start to wonder... As I'm talking to her, he is using his baton to slide her kid's magnetic letters around on her fridge, spelling obscene words...
Once again, I'm turning purple and re-opening the wound in my cheek trying not to laugh.
We leave the house and the first thing Jimmy says is "Junior is gonna get in a lot of trouble tomorrow."
Jimmy was a pleasure to work with. No matter what the incident, he always found the humor. :D

[Parajuevos]

A friend of mine responded to the apartment of a young woman one night, with his rookie in tow.

When the woman answered the door, my friend became instantly and uncontrolably obsessed with her beauty and sexual demeanor. He rushed to the couch, where he sat down and stated that he needed a "blow job," explaining to the woman that he was overwhelmed and just could't help himself. He pleaded with her to satisfy his inner lusts and desires.

The woman rushed over to him and sat down on his lap and began to caress him and give him kisses (on the face)

The rookie seeing this, turned red, stammered and rushed out of the apartment an fled downstairs to the radio car, where he took refuge.

A few minutes later, my friend showed up at the radio car, laughing and explained that the whole thing was a set-up and that he and the woman up in the apartment were old friends, which they were. The incident, was indeed a joke and nothing else, other than what I described.

The rookie was so pissed off that he had been had that he didn't talk to my pal, except in an official capacity, for several days.:D

The rookie went on to be one of the finest cops I ever knew. He had a photographic memory and it was said of him, "If T...is on your case and you're a criminal, you're going to get caught."

[Keganswar]

This thread is awesome!!!!!

[Parajuevos]

I was patroling one night when I noticed an Asian guy driving along with a personalized plate. It was FUK YU.

I requested a rolling 10-29 and the dispatcher came back with the registered owner info, spelling out his name for me, but not pronouncing it.

When I asked the dispatcher, if she would mind pronouncing the name,I got a big fat NEGATIVE.:D

A couple of years later, I was discussing this plate, with a couple of my compadres and decided to run it up again. The plate was no longer in the system.

[usacivpol]

Years ago I had the day shift dispatcher print me a list of names and licenses numbers of ever one in the state who's last name started with "X"
You can imagine all the difficult to pronounce names on the list.
About 2 am I handed out copies to all the other Deputies. and we started calling them in by number.
The first three or four got the usual responcewith the night shift dispatcher struggling with the multi syllable names.
Deputy four got a short response to call the dispatch office for the information.
and reamed out proper by the dispatchers for messing with them.

usacivpol

[ironpaw]

Hate to res this old thread, but I'm loving these stories! Is there another ongoing thread or did everyone just run out of stories in May '07?

*crawls back into hole*

[Remington Raider]

This one made the papers.

SO. two out-of-towners at a local park on a beautiful summer afternonn are suddenly overcome with desire and drop and get busy in front of God, Mom and Dad, the kids and a softball team. Even in our modern day, someone takes exception to this behavior and amazingly, when the hitch is assigned, ALL squads are now in service and responding.

First squad onscene rolls up on the two going at it like dogs in heat. Copper walks up and kicks guy on the foot. Guy looks up and snarls "I'm not done yet". Y'all know the rest . . .

[Hhunter]

Houston, North side
Traffic stop, night shift
I had pulled a hoopty over with several occupants. The dummy in the backseat is in the process of eating his marijuana when I walk up to the car. I get a back up unit out with me and were checking the guys for more dope. While doing this I notice a male situp in a grassy area under a roadway (610) that passes almost over us. I did not observed the male before and could tell he hadnt been laying there when we first stopped. I pointed the guy out to my back up/partner and told him this is gonna be a good one. I walk up to the guy who is dazed sitting on the ground still and ask him where he came from. He replies he was in his girlfriends car arguing with her. While arguing with her he told her to shut up or he would jump out of the vehicle. She doesnt shut up so he jumps out of the car while its maybe doing at least 60mph. He said he didnt realize he was on the elevated portion of the loop and wouldnt have jumped if he had known he was so high (approx 30ft up). He was looked at by EMS and refused any treatment,was last seen walking North towards Huntsville where he lived.

[SheJAG]

Years ago when I was a victim-witness liaison for a pedophile case, I was chatting w/ the circuit-judge during a long break in pre-trial motions hearings and he relayed a case he had just finished at another location.

Husband came home from a deployment and wife noticed their relationship wasn't as warm and fuzzy as it had been prior to his trip. At first she chalks it up to the long separation, but after a couple of months, she insists they see a marriage counselor. Things improve for a short while, but then suddenly cool off and she resigns herself to raising kids, baking cookies and keeping the house. She takes the master-bedroom and hubby begins sleeping in the study. Sometime later, she is awoken in the middle of the night by some strange noises on the screened back porch. Despite several calls to hubby there is no response so wife goes to investigate and follows the noises to the screened porch where she finds the husband.....doing the family pooch. Needless to say, the local LE is called as is the vet and the husband is later convicted of abuse of the poor animal. Wife gets the quickest divorce the Southern state allows and the poor pup was put up for adoption.

[RGR.Montcalm]

Years ago when I was a victim-witness liaison for a pedophile case, I was chatting w/ the circuit-judge during a long break in pre-trial motions hearings and he relayed a case he had just finished at another location.

Husband came home from a deployment and wife noticed their relationship wasn't as warm and fuzzy as it had been prior to his trip. At first she chalks it up to the long separation, but after a couple of months, she insists they see a marriage counselor. Things improve for a short while, but then suddenly cool off and she resigns herself to raising kids, baking cookies and keeping the house. She takes the master-bedroom and hubby begins sleeping in the study. Sometime later, she is awoken in the middle of the night by some strange noises on the screened back porch. Despite several calls to hubby there is no response so wife goes to investigate and follows the noises to the screened porch where she finds the husband.....doing the family pooch. Needless to say, the local LE is called as is the vet and the husband is later convicted of abuse of the poor animal. Wife gets the quickest divorce the Southern state allows and the poor pup was put up for adoption.


He missed his girlfriend- BAA-BAA-WA- in Iraq!:D