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  #1  
Old 15 December 2000, 18:32
mdb23
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Red face This should be entertaining

Let's see who has the most entertaining LE related story. I, being the self appointed and all powerful originator of the string, will be judging based upon the "I can't believe that really happened" factor, but bonus points will be assigned for the following:

1. vulgarity
2. nudity
3. violence.
4. sex (must be work related)
5. story telling capability

The winner will be awarded, well, you won't receive jack. However, we are all in LE, so we should be accustomed to receiving nothing for our efforts!

mdb23

P.S. Keep the stories hypothetical in nature--no need for anyone to get sued over this.
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  #2  
Old 15 December 2000, 19:58
ski ski is offline
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Oh boy...(rubbing my hands together in anticipation)!

Who is going to serve first?

Ski
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  #3  
Old 15 December 2000, 21:07
grrlcop74
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I have several, but I'll start off with something rather mild. One evening while on duty with the airport popo, the tower called to report a car parked in a restricted area. This area was well known for parkers of all ages, so the fight was on as to who would take the call and get a little nudie action in for the evening. Myself and good ol' CPL Riva, the deparment's amateur porn connossieur, were the first out the door. We pulled in behind the said vehicle and lit it up. A male was sitting in the driver's seat and that was all that could be seen. As we approached the vehicle a female's head could be observed face down in the lap of the male, in an apparent attempt to suckstart an 88 Camaro with injector problems. As Cpl. Riva tapped on the car door just below the open window, the female sat straight up at the driver's moment of glory. He proceeded to spray the steering column and dash with his manly essence. I took advantage of the moment of silence to pass on a little advice..."That shit ain't Armorall." What seems obvious to most of us seems to sometimes slip past the public we serve, and I'm all about helping people out in their moment of need. Comedy.

Kristen
"Bow chicka bow bow"
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  #4  
Old 15 December 2000, 23:04
RECON5 RECON5 is offline
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Keeping along the same lines I would like to share a story related to me by an East Texas Officer.........yeah yeah.

Everybody was sitting around the station twideling thier fingers in "Pot Hole" Texas, when a tourist calling on a cell phone tells the dispatcher that there are two people (a man and a woman) having sex on the balcony of this apartment, which faces a (the only) major highway running through town. The tourist stated they were "really getting after it" because he could here them over his radio as he slowed down for the yellow blinking light. The Officer responds to the location and upon his arrival observes two "neked" butts run into the apartment. The officer makes his way to the door and a man wearing only his underwear answers the door out of breath to ask "what seems to be the problem officer". The officer explains the call he recieved and the man denies they were having sex. The officer in that "parental tone of voice" says look buddy I saw you and the girl run inside and neither of you had any clothes on. The guy, realizing he was caught pleads to the officer's sense of compassion by saying "Ohhh man it's ok.....really, because she is only my cousin". As if he would never do that with his sister...or not in public anyway. And people wonder why have repeatedly petitioned the legislature to put a law on the books makin STUPIDTY a felony...


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  #5  
Old 16 December 2000, 01:33
mdb23
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Heard this from a friend.....

2 Officers are dispatched to a disturbance involving the repossession of a vehicle. Upon arrival, they find a violent, and quite large, female in the front yard threatening to kill the operators of a tow truck. Turns out the tow operators are bail bondsmen who are there to collect mama's vehicle due, in large part, to the fact that she put the vehicle up as collateral for the release of her son. Well, sonny was a no show at court, and the men wanted the car. The officers explained that they could not stop the repossession, and that they were simply there to keep the peace. Keep in mind that this lady swore up and down that she had no idea where her son could be.

Finally, one frustrated Officer said something along the lines of "Lady, they either want your son or the car, and they are leaving today with one or the other." The lady's entire expression changes, and she leans over to one officer and whispers, "you mean if they get my son, they won't take my car?" The officer asks the bondsman what he would rather have, and the bondsman states that he would rather have the skip. The lady pulls the cop and bondsman off to the side and says, "you can't tell him that I dimed him out, but he is hiding in the last room on the left as you go in my front door." The bondsmen enter, take the skip into custody, and are loading him into the truck while his mom is on her hands and knees in the front yard screaming and crying, "Oh my God! Dear God in heaven!!! Lordy, how did they find my baby? Don't worry, mama will get you out baby!!!!!

As soon as they roll off, she wipes away her tears, gets a gruff expession on her face, and says, "I'll be goddamned if any motherfucker thinks they gonna take MY car." The Officers almost passed out with laughter.

If I have time, I will post the story I heard about a rookie who took an unexpected shower in the bodily fluids of a corpse.

mdb23



[This message has been edited by mdb23 (edited 12-16-2000).]
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  #6  
Old 16 December 2000, 02:23
WS-G WS-G is offline
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Another short, almost one-line but regrettably, clean True Tale of East Texas Law Enforcement.

My first shift on the job during the three weeks I spent working Dispatch for one of the local SO's, a woman called in and asked me "I'd like to see about my house bein' broke into...."

Choking back the urge to laugh at least until I forwarded her call to the detective handling her [prior] burglary complaint I was sorely tempted to reply:

"Yes ma'am, I'll be right over with my tools!"
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  #7  
Old 16 December 2000, 02:45
ski ski is offline
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Also along the same lines, my very, VERY, first call as a police officer was being dispatched for a suspicious auto behind a school at about 2330 hours. I ended up finding one guy (about 19 years old) sucking another guy (about forty) off in the backseat. It was a fitting start to my career. It all goes downhill from there...

Ski
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  #8  
Old 16 December 2000, 03:04
ski ski is offline
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I got a kind of gross one, too. This might be similar to mdb23's next one...

While working in a large Missouri city on a bend on the banks of the mighty Mississippi driving around the ghetto on nasty hot and humid summer dat with my partner, we got dispatched to a "check the welfare" call. The subject in question had not been heard from for a week or two. Needless to say...a dry floater (as opposed to the wet floaters the Mississippi coughs up an a regular basis). We entered the house where said subject was in bed...dead. And his little dog was knocking on the door of doggie heaven to boot. No signs of foul play and the subject was known to be a sickie. We called the ME and they said to code it a natural death and a body removal crew was en route. Well, being it was a typical gross summer in the Gateway City, said dry floater was quite bloated. The body snatchers came, two old guys and paraded on in like they were getting ready to order chicken at Popeye's. Standing in the hallway looking into the bedroom, we hear one body snatcher say to the other, "just grab him there." The guy grabs him and the floater just explodes and shit goes everywhere. These two old guys start screaming and doing the funky chicken while running out of the house. We had quite a laugh on that one.

[This message has been edited by ski (edited 12-16-2000).]
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  #9  
Old 16 December 2000, 15:28
Swat1 Swat1 is offline
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Ok, this one is a legend in my department and happened a couple of years before I got here, but is still hilarious and confirmed true:

The names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

My jurisdiction has a large portion of a rural highway running through which sees about 400 cars per hour. We have a traffic team that operates up on the highway and usually there are only one or two of them on at a time. On one fateful afternoon Officer Happy is running traffic up on the highway and had just finished with an unlucky motorist and is still sitting in his patrol unit finishing his paperwork. Before pulling out to continue on he realizes that a piece of some equipment or other (actual equipment unknown) has rolled back into the back seat floorboard under the screen. Officer Happy exits his patrol vehicle and proceeds to enter the back seat area to retrieve the equipment. This being Oregon we have a lot of log truck and semi truck traffic on the highway. As Officer Happy is in the back seat a semi truck drives by and blows the back door closed with Officer Happy trapped in the custody end of his patrol car. With all the internal locks, window controls, door handles etc removed and the cage closed he is trapped. After not answering his status checks a call is put out to respond to his last known location. Of course this was fifteen miles down the road, so the responding officer goes Code 3 as Officer Happy has not responded to several checks. Officer Laughinghisassoff arrives to see Officer Happy trapped inside his patrol unit. With a barely audible "325 is Code 4 (ok)" Officer Laughinghisassoff takes his trusty camera and proceeds to shoot several pictures of the crime scene.

Officer Happy has never lived that incident down.
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  #10  
Old 16 December 2000, 15:49
bd bd is offline
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More East Texas stories (oh all second had of course...hehehe):

I know of an incident where an ambulance crew had take a 13 year old kid to the hospital because of a "pressure-related" injury. Seems the young man really needed a date and Miss Coke-a-cola Bottle was available. Vacuum's can be rough on a person. You get my drift here, right? They tried to keep it low key call, but by the time the EMT's decided the kid had to go to the hospital, there were 3 police cars, two fire trucks, and one ambulance on scene...not to mention an entire neighborhood standing outside wondering what was going on.

My second story takes place in rural "Pot-Hole County". A friend of mine in the Sheriffs Dept. told me of a couple who were having some fun in a hottub until they developed a bit of a vacuum in there and got stuck together. He and his partner were the first on scene and both the victems were howling pretty good. Said the fire department had to help the EMTs get the couple out of the hottub, onto a stretcher, and to the hospital where it darned near took minor surgery to get the two of them apart.

Ouch.

BD
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  #11  
Old 16 December 2000, 17:04
RECON5 RECON5 is offline
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oHHHH The memories. Let's see should we tell the one about..The guy who came in to the ER, while I was working my part time job, with his "sensative member" stuck in the thumb hole of a pair of surgical clamps.....something about getting his girlfriend excited, while smoking marijuana..of course she was less than excited because she did not join him.

or...the one about the officer, who had his patrol unit stolen by a juvenile burglar, who was able to get his cuffs in front of him, climb through the sliding glass window of the cage and drive off with the unit...of course he was caught a few hours later....with the patrol unit keys in his pocket...can you say UUMV.(unauthorized use of a motor vehicle)

Lets just see what else develops here.


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  #12  
Old 17 December 2000, 01:01
grrlcop74
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Alright here's a couple more...

We had one of those "Officer locked in own car" incidents as well. Back in the day, MCSO carried those monstrous 400Mhz radios on their hip, and put them in a base while in the car. Well Deputy Turbo decides while he's got paddy wagon duty he's going to get a little action with his girlfriend (no, NOT me). So Deputy Turbo and his chick disrobe and hop in the back...just as the wind blows the door shut. After several hours he is finally found buck nekkid and earned a nickname he is still known by..."Click", for the sound the door made when it shut. He's also no longer employed with MCSO.

I have another story, not LE but from my Army days. One of the previous posts reminded me of it. There was a young specialist who never could seem to get it right. Everywhere he went he picked up yet another nickname. He was several classes ahead of me at AIT, where he picked up the nickname "Pissy" for pissing in his pants in formation one day. Then on to Ft. Huachuca for Guardrail, where a classmate who had been stationed in Korea with him regaled us with tales of his trips to the ladies of the evening. That earned him the name "Downtown". Then on to Kunia, Hawaii, where he earned his final nickname before being booted because he was a fatass. One of his roommates was in my platoon and after a short PT session one day I stopped by his room with him. As we walked in, we found the good specialist sitting on the couch, his pants around his ankles, going at it with the vacuum cleaner set on "shag". After that he was known as "Hoover".

Kristen
"Bow chicka...uh...nevermind"
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  #13  
Old 17 December 2000, 01:44
mdb23
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Man.....so many memories, so little time....

I heard of a recruit, fresh out of the academy, who, upon being ordered to render his weapon safe so that it might be inspected, forgot to remove his magazine before cycling the slide. Naturally, a round flew from the ejection port, and another was chambered in its place from the still inserted magazine. The recruit then removed the magazine, and proceeded to pull the trigger (a necessary step when field stripping the Glock 22). <Boom boom in the roll call room.>

I heard he got a little ass chewing over that one.

mdb23
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  #14  
Old 17 December 2000, 08:01
WS-G WS-G is offline
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One from my time with the Air Force:

A cherry copilot once had the impression that the loadmaster's most important function was to keep the O's supplied with coffee during flight. "Two spoons of sugar, two sppons of cream!"

During a two-week TDY downrange, this request quickly wore thin, but still, a certain more-experienced NCO loadie cheerfully complied.

The CP's disposition grew progressively more irritable during the days which followed, while said load grew all the more congenial in his dealings with that distinguished junior officer.

It must have been that wonderful coffee the loadmaster insisted upon making special, just for the brown-bar. The rest of the crew were finally let in on the secret ingredient....

Two spoons of sugar, two spoons of cream, one spoon of Kaopectate!

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  #15  
Old 17 December 2000, 09:46
jcollettusa jcollettusa is offline
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Alright, I have one: This is while I was in the Corps. One night me and my roommate decided to hit one of many of Jacksonville's finest night-life establishments. Well it was getting late and we had to PT in a couple of hours, so I decided to call it a night. I then proceeded to track down my buddy, who was busting the moves on this girl, so he decided to stay and I went back to the barracks. I layed down thinking that I was going to be hurting during PT in the morning. Anyway, just as I fell asleep he brings this same girl home. They proceeded to mess around and then he gets her on the top bunk, yes we had bunk beds and his was the top one. Anyhow, after a good 55 minutes of listening to her moan and the bed slapping up against the concrete wall for about an hour and me down below just rocking along with the motion. I heard them start talking and of course I was brought up into the subject about how heavy of a sleeper I am, which is not true at all and they were doing the usual conversation after sex, what's your name again, is this one-night stand time, etc. you all know the deal. Just when things were calming down I began to think that I was finally going to be able to sleep; they started messing around again. Then she asked the most ridiculous question I think I have ever hear "do you think we are going to wake your roommate up?" I just wanted to jump out of the rack and slap her dumb ass. I mean come on, not only did she wake me up, she woke up people that were four rooms down with her yelling and we were on BUNK BEDS.

Don't worry though, I vowed revenge, which I would get, but that is another story for another time.
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  #16  
Old 17 December 2000, 19:07
WS-G WS-G is offline
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This is where Consideration Of Others training really comes in!
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  #17  
Old 18 December 2000, 00:59
LRSC Grunt
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jcollettusa,
Your roomate ever heard of sharing?
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  #18  
Old 18 December 2000, 02:12
ski ski is offline
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ABout nine years ago on midnights, I got the primary call for a holdup alarm at a 7-11. Upon arrival, I parked on the side of the building and worked my way to the front windows of the store, peeking around the corner of the building. Already, other units were arriving and doing the same from the other side. My first peek into the store showed me no one. I could not see anyone in the store. I looked again and I saw the forehead of a girl poking up over the cashiers counter and then disappear. The forehead appeared again and the eyes below of said forehead saw me. The forehead and eyes belonged to the clerk who stood up and waved me in. I walked in and asked her rather bluntly where the robber went. She said, "He never came in the store." I asked her what happened. She said that she was talking on the phone when she heard something hit the front doors. She looked over and saw a man in a ski mask holding a pistol outside the door. The man kept pushing on the door but never came in. He started ramming it with his body, but still didn't come in the door. Finally he smacked the door with his gun and ran away. Needless to say, the door had to be PULLED from the outside to get in. Moron.
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  #19  
Old 18 December 2000, 02:42
mdb23
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ski

sounds like a nominee for the Darwin awards.

GUY

Come on now, we are all friends here. I promise nobody will laugh TOO hard. And, if they do, yo can just kick their ass.

LOL

mdb23

[This message has been edited by mdb23 (edited 12-18-2000).]
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  #20  
Old 18 December 2000, 11:52
jcollettusa jcollettusa is offline
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LRSC: He didn't offer that night, but there was a time when he brought home two of the ugliest and fattest girls that you have ever seen and offered one of them to me, which I reluctantly passed on and wound up sleeping in the duty hut.

Guy: You da man, I can only imagine what you said to that chick to get sucker punched (LOL), but I am having a fun time imagining it.

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